should be "life as a first time single mum" I guess

Well the inevitable happened last night.. Stu broke up with me. I guess i knew it was going to happen - things haven't been great between us since we got back together, and the past couple of weeks he has been so distant... and cold toward me

BUT it still hurts. He gave me the old 'I want to be friends' line, and said that he wants to be a 'good Dad', so when he is here overnight from now on, he is going to be the one getting up to her, to give her her dummy, or to give her a bottle if she needs one. I've been too soft with him up until now, but if he wants to be a good Dad, there are certain responsibilities he is going to have to take on.

So I guess from here on in, it's going to be me & Gaby against the world. I obviously can't rely on Stu to be there when I really need him - so why start setting myself up to be let down?

....... my constant thought through this has been "at least I still have Gaby".. it's what's getting me through

I hate this time of the year

February 22nd will be the 3 year anniversary of my nephew's passing. I am scared shitless about Gaby turning 4 months old, because Brodie died on the day he turned 4 months. I don't think I'm going to feel okay until the 22nd & 26th have passed (26th being the day Gaby turns 4 months), and Gaby is still safely in my arms. Part of me wishes I could just disappear until the 27th, but obviously I can't do that.

I cannot imagine how horrible... awful.... un-liveable my life would be if I lost Gaby. I cannot imagine no longer having my precious girl in my life, and everyday I fear walking in to find her dead in her cot. I've not cried myself to sleep about it in weeks, but that doesn't mean the thought still isn't there.

I wasn't with my sister when she found Brodie, but she described the moment so well, that I can see it in my head, and it breaks my heart when I think about it.

99% of my brain says 'everything will be fine', but there is another part that says 'no it won't be'. I don't know what I'd do if I lost Gaby - she really is the most important thing in my life, and without her, it'd all be pretty boring & meaningless. I hate to say it, but I believe that if I lost Gaby - I would contemplate going to join her.

Maybe all mothers feel that way?

1 year

February 7th was 1 year since I found out that I was pregnant with Gaby. I am in disbelief at how different my life is now - and how much I have been through over the past year! This time last year, I was in the throes of morning sickness, and was still coming to terms with the fact I *really* was pregnant!!!!

... I've been pregnant, I've given birth, I've breastfed, I've changed nappies, I've cleaned up spew, I've made parenting style choices....... I've changed 100% from who I was a little over a year ago. The things that used to be wonderful to me, have been replaced by things that are even more wonderful. The little things that used to bother me no longer do.......... and I've become a lot less selfish, Gaby really is the basis of my life, everything I choose to do, revolves around her!

How does the reality of motherhood, compare to the fantasy of motherhood that I once had? It's even better! I always knew it would be hard, but it would be rewarding - I just didn't realise HOW rewarding it would be. I could never imagine the feeling I would get, when going to get Gaby from the cot in the morning, and seeing her grin because she's happy to see me. I could never imagine the feeling I would get, when Gaby was unsettled, and after passing her around, I would be the only one who could get her to finally settle. I never imagined how beautiful a sleeping baby would be - the pure innocence, the angelic look.

I knew that I would love Gaby (or any child I had) - but I didn't realise that that love would be overwhelming & all consuming. I didn't know that that love would give me the power to do anything - or that it would make me want to do ANYTHING to protect my baby girl. I didn't realise just how happy love could make me feel, or that it would make even the shittiest of days, amazing.

It is truly amazing, being able to watch Gaby develop day by day. Seeing her do things one day, that she couldn't do the day beforehand. I never realised how exciting it would be when Gaby would reach another developmental milestone, or how proud of her I would feel!!!!!!

I love being a Mummy, I love my precious Gaby - I am so glad that life has panned out the way that it has, and for the first time in my life, I can see that everything that has happened up until now, has happened for a reason - and had they not happened, Gaby would not have happened.

how quickly they learn!

Today Gaby was displaying all the signs of being tired, so into her cot I put her.

Of course once I had her in the cot, she started dispalying all the signs of being WIDE AWAKE. But being Mummy, I knew best, and left her. Every couple of minutes I'd go and check on her - and before I would leave the room I would say "now go to sleep".

How did Gaby react to this? Did she sleep? NO. She LAUGHED. She flat out laughed in my face.

It was very adorable I have to say! She sure knows how to weaken her Mummy. I did stay strong though, and didn't get her back up, and within a few minutes she was asleep.

The past few days, Gaby has also learnt that if I take my attention away from her for more than a second, if she squeals I will pay attention to her! So what was she doing this morning while I was in the toilet? Squealing! When I was making a coffee? Squealing! When I was putting her bottle in the microwave? Squealing!

At the moment it is very cute, but I am sure that in a few months, it won't be quite as cute.
Mummy wrapped around her little finger already? HELL YES!

and sometimes it's just damn hard

First of all, I want to say I LOVE being a Mummy, I wouldn't change anything in my life.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm all alone in this. Yes, Stu & I are together, but it's ME who does all the parenting. Me who gets up at 2 am to put her paci back in. Me who gets up at 5am when she decides she wants a bottle. Me who gets up to her in the morning. Me who gives her all her bottles. Me who changes all her nappies. Me who tries to get her to sleep each day. Me who tries to ease the pain of teething.

It's so frustrating, I love Gaby more than anything in the world, but I want a BREAK.... An hour here & there to go to the mall, to go for a walk, to go & get a coffee, to sleep, to read my book... but do I get it? No. Stu's excuse is that he isn't 'confident' enough with her. I can understand that, BUT the only way he can get more confidence, is to play more of a role in the parenting & day to day caring - but does he do that? NO.

I love Stu, but that doesn't make this any easier! Sometimes I want to shake him, until he realises, that he has to use his initiative. It drives me crazy when I have to ask him to pick Gaby up when she's crying, and when the crying gets too much for him, he'll just put her back in her rocker. I don't think he realises how much I have to do during the day, and just how time consuming it IS caring for a little one. The only time I really get to myself is when Gaby is asleep - and those hours are getting less & less as she gets older!!!!

Being a Mum, I can't exactly just 'give up', or 'leave'..... unlike him. I don't have the luxury of running away when I want to....

.... Not that I want to run away from Gaby... I love her way too much

1 year ago

It was the 25th January 2006, when my precious baby girl, became a reality...... Little did I know at the time, but Stu & I had just created the most special baby girl in the world.

A year.. how things have changed

For the first time ever, the '1 year anniversary' of a pregnancy, is a HAPPY, MOMENTOUS occasion.... not a sad one, like in the past....

This year, rather than grieve, I celebrate.

3 months into motherhood

Today my precious girl is 3 months old. I cannot even begin to count the number of ways that my life has changed, in that short space of time. For the first time in my life, I can truly say that there have been no negatives which have come from a life changing event... Everything Gaby has brought into my life has been positive. She has helped me to learn so much more about myself, about who I am, about what makes me tick.... She has helped me to become less selfish & pig headed, and she's taught me the importance of not sweating the small stuff.

Gaby had her 3 month injections yesterday, and afterward, I felt such a huge bond with Gaby - she was looking to me to make things better - I realised she understands that *I* am her Mummy, that *I* am the one person in the world who would do ANYTHING for her, anything in the whole wide world, even if it meant the loss of my own life. I was upset that Gaby was upset, but when I was the one who was able to stop her crying & relax her enough to fall asleep, I felt so empowered & like I'm obviously doing SOMETHING right. I had tears in my eyes for a lot of last night, simply because of the love I was feeling for Gaby at the time - it was very overpowering, and overwhelming.

Life before this.. it doesn't even seem to show up on the radar. There are a few events which happened before Gaby arrived, which changed my life forever.... but they don't seem as painful anymore, or as important.... All that matters to me, is that my baby girl is here, she is safe, healthy & happy - what more could I ask for?