and sometimes it's just damn hard

First of all, I want to say I LOVE being a Mummy, I wouldn't change anything in my life.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm all alone in this. Yes, Stu & I are together, but it's ME who does all the parenting. Me who gets up at 2 am to put her paci back in. Me who gets up at 5am when she decides she wants a bottle. Me who gets up to her in the morning. Me who gives her all her bottles. Me who changes all her nappies. Me who tries to get her to sleep each day. Me who tries to ease the pain of teething.

It's so frustrating, I love Gaby more than anything in the world, but I want a BREAK.... An hour here & there to go to the mall, to go for a walk, to go & get a coffee, to sleep, to read my book... but do I get it? No. Stu's excuse is that he isn't 'confident' enough with her. I can understand that, BUT the only way he can get more confidence, is to play more of a role in the parenting & day to day caring - but does he do that? NO.

I love Stu, but that doesn't make this any easier! Sometimes I want to shake him, until he realises, that he has to use his initiative. It drives me crazy when I have to ask him to pick Gaby up when she's crying, and when the crying gets too much for him, he'll just put her back in her rocker. I don't think he realises how much I have to do during the day, and just how time consuming it IS caring for a little one. The only time I really get to myself is when Gaby is asleep - and those hours are getting less & less as she gets older!!!!

Being a Mum, I can't exactly just 'give up', or 'leave'..... unlike him. I don't have the luxury of running away when I want to....

.... Not that I want to run away from Gaby... I love her way too much

1 year ago

It was the 25th January 2006, when my precious baby girl, became a reality...... Little did I know at the time, but Stu & I had just created the most special baby girl in the world.

A year.. how things have changed

For the first time ever, the '1 year anniversary' of a pregnancy, is a HAPPY, MOMENTOUS occasion.... not a sad one, like in the past....

This year, rather than grieve, I celebrate.

3 months into motherhood

Today my precious girl is 3 months old. I cannot even begin to count the number of ways that my life has changed, in that short space of time. For the first time in my life, I can truly say that there have been no negatives which have come from a life changing event... Everything Gaby has brought into my life has been positive. She has helped me to learn so much more about myself, about who I am, about what makes me tick.... She has helped me to become less selfish & pig headed, and she's taught me the importance of not sweating the small stuff.

Gaby had her 3 month injections yesterday, and afterward, I felt such a huge bond with Gaby - she was looking to me to make things better - I realised she understands that *I* am her Mummy, that *I* am the one person in the world who would do ANYTHING for her, anything in the whole wide world, even if it meant the loss of my own life. I was upset that Gaby was upset, but when I was the one who was able to stop her crying & relax her enough to fall asleep, I felt so empowered & like I'm obviously doing SOMETHING right. I had tears in my eyes for a lot of last night, simply because of the love I was feeling for Gaby at the time - it was very overpowering, and overwhelming.

Life before this.. it doesn't even seem to show up on the radar. There are a few events which happened before Gaby arrived, which changed my life forever.... but they don't seem as painful anymore, or as important.... All that matters to me, is that my baby girl is here, she is safe, healthy & happy - what more could I ask for?

crying and sleeping

Funny how two of the most common baby-things-to-do are intertwined... and how they both make you feel different ways. I will admit that when Gaby is crying... and crying... and crying, I do get a bit toward the end of my tether. It isn't so much anger, as just feeling frustration, because I don't know how to help Gaby - I don't know what's wrong with her.. tired? hungry? wet? sore tummy? teething?

At times it feels like all the rocking, swaying, "shhhhh"ing & bouncing up and down won't stop the crying - but then all of a sudden it stops. The eyes are closed... the breathing is deep & regular - and suddenly I'm holding an angelic looking baby in my arms.

It's that moment there - where the crying turns into a deep slumber, that I feel nothing but pure love for Gaby. The frustration is gone, and all I want to do is snuggle her all night long.

I always feel so stupid after she's had a big crying session, because it isn't really as big of a deal as it feels at the time, it's just her way of communicating with me.... and when I look at her sleeping peacefully, sometimes with a smile on her face, it all seems worth it....

My heart breaks when she cries, but once she's stopped & is sleeping peacefully, my heart grows 10 sizes....

12 weeks!

Gaby is 12 weeks already, I can't believe it. She is no longer the little baby I brought home from the hospital - she's a little smiling & laughing machine now! She's so damn beautiful, everyday I'm just amazed at how gorgeous she is - how PERFECT she is. I love her to bits & cannot imagine life without her..... I wub my little pwecious pants!

In the 12 weeks since she has arrived, I have totally forgotten what my 'old' life was like... I can't remember life before Gaby......

Who knew someone so little could bring out so much love & enchantment......

I'm sure my heart is going to explode with love one of these days

my heart melts

Gaby's big toothless girn.....

the mere sight of it makes my heart melt, it turns me into a puddle of mushy love. I can't explain how it makes me feel inside, when Gaby smiles - her whole face smiles, and it triggers something inside my brain, that makes even the worst days, seem insignificant....

Her smile is proof to me that I'm doing something right, that she's happy - she doesn't have a care in the world, that she feels loved, secure & cherished.

It makes me fall in love with her all over again when I see that smile...

In more detail: the pregnancy ***3rd trimester***

The third trimester represented the home stretch, an exciting time, but also a time of renewed fear. Getting so far, I knew that Gaby could be born & almost definately survive - my fear was that I would lose her, and have to deliver her stillborn. I could not imagine anything more devestating, than carrying a baby for 27+ weeks, and then not getting to take the baby home with you, after the birth. I guess part of my anxiety came from reading way too much on the internet - things I'd never heard of, I would read about - and then be scared it'd happen to me. Deep down I knew I would be okay though, and that I would deliver a healthy baby, I guess I was just too aware of the fact that bad things CAN and do happen to good people.

The most exciting part of the third trimester for me, was the force with which Gaby would kick. I used to love feeling her so active, and moving around alllllll the time. Whereas in the second trimester, I would often wish Gaby would move more, during the third there were times I wished she would settle down a bit!

The most unpleaseant part of the third trimester, by far, was how uncomfortable I became. My sciatica started playing up really bad, my ribcage was constantly sore, due to the force of Gaby kicking my ribs, and also due to the fact that she was sitting quite high up, and I could feel her bottom pushing against my ribs. Breathing was quite difficult at times - well not breathing, but being able to take deep breaths - once again, this was due to Gaby being so high up! It was nice knowing that my pregnancy would soon come to an end, and I would have my baby girl in my arms, but at the same time, I knew I would miss being pregnant, so tried to make the most of everyday, and to enjoy every second of my pregnancy. Easier said than done (the enjoyment aspect!).

With each midwife appointment I had, it was like I was one step closer to having my baby - it got a bit scary when we started discussing the birth, and what happens after the birth.... suddenly I went from 'maybe' having a baby in October, to 'having a baby in a month or two'!
The scariest, scariest time in my pregnancy was on October 1st, when I was around 38w3d pregnant. I had been feeling numb in my left side for a couple of hours, and had a headache, so decided I had better go to the doctor. We went to the emergency clinic & I was taken in after an hour. The GP who saw me, told me to hop up on the bed & she'd take a listen to baby's heartbeat & feel her position. Postion was ROP... as usual... but when she went to listen to the heartbeat.... SHE COULDN'T FIND IT! I *knew* it had to be wrong, I was sure i'd felt Gaby moving when we were in the waiting room, but thought "what if she has JUST died".. I was absolutely terrified, and she sent me up to Christchurch Women's for 'further investigation'. I was crying on the way to the hospital, and trying to convince myself everything was fine. I was sure I'd heard the heartbeat for a few seconds when she was using the doppler - and I had noticed she wasn't using it the same way as my midwife did... it had to be that we hadn't heard the heartbeat because she was incompetent... my baby COULDN'T be dead... I wouldn't allow it.
Up at the hospital, my backup midwife (Raewyn) arrived, because my regular midwife had that weekend off. Rae put the CTG machine on me, and to my relief almost immediately we picked up the heartbeat. The relief. Oh the relief! I was finally able to breathe properly, and i'm sure that my blood pressure must have dropped a few notches. I stayed on the CTG for 30 minutes, it was lovely to be able to listen to Gaby's heartbeat that entire time. I also had a quick scan just to double check everything, and also to check Gaby's position, as Rae felt her & thought she was breech! Heartbeat - present & regular, position - head down!

When I was 39wod, I had another scan, just to double check she was head down, to check how big she was (it was thought that she might be a rather large baby) and also to help relieve my anxiety... god bless my midwife. I was so grateful to her, for arranging for me to have a scan at such a late date The scan went brilliantly, Gaby was head down, and estimated to be weighing around 8lb3oz! I could not believe how much she'd grown since the 19w1d scan! ....
My due date passed & I was still pregnant... my initial due date passed & I was still pregnant... My anxiety levels increased with each passing day, and on October 20th I went to the induction clinic, to be assessed for a possible induction. I had hoped they would start the induction process over the weekend, but with it being a long weekend due to labour weekend, they weren't doing any non-urgent inductions... They gave me an appointment for 7.30am, Tuesday 24th October... finally the end was in sight!. By this stage I was feeling VERY pregnant, and VERY huge... VERY VERY uncomfortable!

October 24th I went in to hospital to be induced... My cervix it turned out, was not at all dilated & wasn't particularly effaced. Two lots of prostin gel on the Tuesday failed to make any progress, so I stayed in hospital on the night of the 24th, then the 25th had two more lots of prostin gel - once again with NO progress made. I elected to have a c/s and was booked in for October 26th 'late morning'....

That evening I lost my mucous plug, and at 9.28pm my water broke, but there was meconium present, which I knew could mean that Gaby could go into distress (if she wasn't already).... so I still wanted to go ahead with the c/s... just a little earlier than planned!

Finally on October 26th, at 1.01am, Gabrielle Jayda-Lee Oakden was born via emergency cesarean, a healthy 8lb4oz!

In more detail: the pregnancy **2nd trimester**

The second trimester began, with a decrease in morning sickness - finally! I went from vomitting 2-5x daily, to vomitting once or twice a week.. then once or twice every couple of weeks. It was a welcome reprieve!

The first of three exciting 2nd trimester milestones happened when I was 14w3d... I felt my baby moving for the first time! I was at work when all of a sudden I experienced what felt like a tiny little muscle spasm, down toward the top of my pelvic bone. I quite literally dropped what I was doing, and sat there with my hand on my belly, in total awe. My baby had MOVED. For the first time ever I had physical proof that I was pregnant. I thought the pregnancy suddenly became real when I had my first scan - but feeling my baby move for the first time? That added a whole nother spectrum of reality to the pregnancy. I believe I shed a few quick tears at that moment. Another thing I will never ever forget.

The 2nd of three exciting milestones happened soon after - I got to hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time at a midwifes appointment, when I was around 15 weeks! When I had my scan at 12w5d I could *see* the heartbeat, but wasn't able to actually listen to it. I was petrified before the midwife turned the doppler on, asking her what the chances were of not being able to hear it - but everything still being okay with baby, but she was confident we would hear it... After what felt like a lifetime (but was probably only about 15 seconds), we heard the tell tale sound - BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM - a healthy heartbeat! Once again the tears came, it was so relieving to hear that beautiful noise. I had been a little worried, because after I got into the 2nd trimester, my symptoms had calmed down a lot, and I was a bit afraid that I had had a missed miscarriage... even though I knew that it was common for symptoms to calm down after 12 weeks, and even though I'd felt my baby moving. My lack of appetite continued though, and I started the 1st trimester weighing less than I had when I got pregnant, which seemed a bit weird to me - but also made a lot of sense. The lack of appetite, mixed with morning sickness had obviously made me lose a few kg's!

The first 6 weeks of the 2nd trimester were filled with the excitement, of knowing that soon I would be finding out the sex of my baby! Stu and I spoke a lot about whether the baby would be a boy or a girl. Right from day one, I had felt I was carrying a girl - however after the 1st scan, suddenly I felt it was a boy... although deep down, I think I still felt it was a girl. Toward the end of the 1st trimester we'd chosen names for our baby - if it was a boy, he would be called Kaiden Warrington-James. Warrington after my Grandfather who passed away when Dad was 12, and James after my Grandfather who passed away when I was 13. If it was a boy, she would be called Gaby Jayde. Jayde was a tribute of sorts to my first angel, Jayden. Around 16w, we changed our name for a girl to Gabrielle Jayda-Lee. The Jayda was still a tribute to Jayden, but the added 'Lee' was after Stu (his last name being Lee) and after my sister. We changed her name to Gabrielle so that when she was older, she would have the option of the more 'grown up' name Gabrielle, if she didn't think 'Gaby' was mature enough, or sophisticated enough! However we'd still call her 'Gaby' a bulk of the time. I was still REALLY worried about losing my baby - more terrified than I had been in the first trimester, because I knew if I lost the baby during the 2nd or 3rd trimester, I would have to deliver the baby - and the loss would be more heartbreaking for me than a 1st trimester loss - due to the bonding I'd done with the baby - the fact I'd seen my baby on u/s, heard the heartbeat, felt it kicking..... I booked in for the third of the three 2nd trimester milestones - my anomoly scan for the 19th May. At that stage I would be 19w1d - I was excited about seeing how much my baby had grown, even more excited about finding the sex - and terrified that I would find my baby had died. As the 16th, 17th & 18th weeks passed, I started feeling my baby moving a little more - but not enough for me to be absolutely certain everything was fine, in the back of my mind I kept thinking "what I'm feeling might not be baby moving, it COULD just be muscle spasms, my baby could be dead". Such morbid thoughts, during what should be such a wonderful 9 months.

The morning of the 19th May I was a little more excited than scared about the ultrasound - I had felt my baby kicking around the night before, and had a couple of movements after I got up, so was pretty sure everything was okay. But there was still that part of me..... We were taken in for the scan at around 10.35 - Mum, Terri & Stu were all with me. Like the first scan, I didn't breathe until I had heard the sonographer mention the baby's heartbeat - and then sat (well, lay!) through what was up until then, the most amazing 25 minutes of my life! The sonographer measured all the babys organs & important bones, he did all his checks for abnormalities & signs of any chromosomal defects, but everything was just fine. As I expected, I cried a lot through the scan - and I saw my Mum shed a few tears as well. I couldn't believe how much bigger my baby was, than the first time I saw it, only 6 weeks earlier! It was really starting to resemble a little person, and I found it especially cute when we looked at the hands & feet....... just like grown up hands & feet - but in minature! We had told the sonographer before the scan even started, that we wanted to find out the sex, and about 10 minutes in to the scan, he said the words that added yet another spectrum of reality to my pregnancy.... "IT'S A GIRL! There is no sign of a doodle". All around the room I could see huge smiles... but I think mine was the biggest.

Finally I could give my baby GIRL a name - I could now refer to her as Gaby. Not as 'baby', not as 'bubs', not as 'it', not as 'her or him', not as 'she or he'... SHE was Gaby.

I left that scan feeling extremely happy - and a little more confident that come October '06, I would be a Mummy for real! I sent text messages to everyone, exclaiming that baby was fine, and that baby was infact a girl - everyone else seemed almost as excited as me! By the time I got to 24 weeks, I was feeling Gaby moving a lot more often - and the movements were getting more and more noticable. I never really felt her kicking when I was standing, and felt the most movement when I was in bed, laying on my tummy. The pregnancy was going splendidly, and my fears had subsided somewhat. Each day I still did think "what if I lose the baby", but each day I also believed more and more, that I would give birth to a healthy baby.

The only thing that really had me upset, was that I wasn't showing yet. I knew that being of a bigger build, it would take longer to show - but I hated seeing women who were 16 ,17, 18 weeks pregnant, looking more pregnant than me! The evening of the day I was 25w6d, I was getting changed to go to bed, I looked down at my tummy and..... there was a pregnant belly there! I had quite literally popped! I asked my Mum if it was baby or just fat, and she chuckled when she said "it's baby Emma, it's baby". What a happy note to end my second trimester on!

In more detail: the pregnancy *1st trimester*

I found out that I was pregnant on February 7, 2006. Since about the end of January, I'd noticed that weird things were happening with my body - weird things which had only happened twice before, in my previous pregnancies. My midwife came to work and gave me a pregnancy test to do. I went up the stairs, did the test, came back down - to find I had a customer, so had to sneakily put the test in our cash drawer! The customer just happened to be a major bitch, and I wanted to get her out of there as quickly as possible so I could take a squiz at my preggy test! After about 5 minutes I eventually got rid of her.. I slowly opened the drawer......... and what did I see?Yeap, two beautiful pink lines! My period wasn't due for another 2 days, so I was quite shocked to see the test line, so positive!

The first trimester was mostly a time of fear for me. After my miscarriage in November 05, I was so scared that it would happen again, and half expected it to. In a way I felt that my miscarriage had been punishment for my termination when I was 18 - and wondered if maybe I would never ever be blessed with a child, that all my pregnancy's would end in miscarriage.

My first milestone I wanted to pass was 5w4d, which was how far along I'd been when I miscarried. The morning of my 5w4d milestone, I had some faint spotting, of course I thought that was it, and I was on my way to another miscarriage - however there was no more spotting after the one episode first thing in the morning.
The next milestone I wanted to pass was 6w, because I know that a majority of miscarriages happen before 6w. 6 weeks passed easily... much to my surprise. Everyday was spent fearing going to the toilet, fearing seeing the first sign of spotting. But to my surprise I never had any further spotting.

Right from day one, I had very strong symptoms.....

• I first had morning/all day sickness when I was 3w4d pregnant - after dinner I suddenly felt nauseous and ended up vomitting. It was that, and the extreme tiredness I'd been feeling for the past 4 days, that seriously made me consider the fact I could be pregnant. My sickness ended up happening 2-5 x a day, until I was exactly 13w0d. I would have to vomit first thing in the morning - and god that hurt, nothing worse than vomitting when you have an empty stomach. I would then need to vomit immediately after dinner, which was a little better as I would generally have something in my stomach. Up until about 8 weeks I was vomitting 5x a day, but it slowed down after that.
• Fatigue - I had never really experienced fatigue before I got pregnant, but gosh, I sure learnt the meaning of it in the first trimester! On the days I wasn't working, I would be asleep on the couch by 11am, and then again by 4pm. For the first time in a few years, I was in bed well before 10.30 most nights, and would be asleep within 10 minutes. Prior to my pregnancy, I would be in bed around midnight, and awake until 1am, 2am - sometimes 3am reading, so it was quite the shock to my system!
• I was also introduced to heartburn, before I even got the positive pregnancy test, in that first trimester, Quick-Eze were my best friend, and I shudder to think how many packets I went through!
• I also had the usual pregnancy symptoms of sore breasts & frequent urination - I think it'd be a good idea to get shares in a toilet paper company, if you add together all the pregnant women in the world in any year, think of how many rolls of toilet paper they'd each go through - that's a lot of toilet paper, and a commodity that people are always going to need!
• For the first time in my life - I had no appetite! Pretty much from 4w0d, I had absolutely no appetite, I could barely stomach 1/4 of what I would usually eat - and nothing at all appealed to me. That made cooking dinner a hard task as well, if nothing appeals to you, the thought of cooking is even less appealing.
• Related to the lack of appetite, would be the sensitive sense of smell. The smell of meat made me hurl - I never realised meat HAD an odour until I got pregnant! The smell of mince was the worst, and still now, I feel a bit queasy when using mince. Mushrooms were another thing i couldn't stand the smell of - and usually they were one of my favourite foods!
• I had the odd craving in the 1st trimester as well - notably 4 punnets/containers of Strawberries in the space of about 36 hours.... Numerous glasses of ginger beer/ale each day... and Peanut Butter on toast - it was all I wanted from 4w0d-10w0d!

Even with my strong symptoms, I was still convinced I would miscarry. Everyday of my pregnancy that passed, I got a little more excited - but also a little more scared. With each day that passed, I could feel myself bonding a little more with the little life inside of me, and each day the thought of losing that little life scared me more and more. I knew it would break my heart if I lost my precious baby.

My next mini-milestone I set for myself, was to make it past 10w4d. 10w4d was the gestation at which I had my termination in 2001. I had a horrible feeling that karma would make me lose my baby on this day, a final kick in the guts. I woke up on the morning I was 10w4d & apprehensively went to the toilet, sure I would be met by spotting. But no! The rest of the day was spent with the same apprehension. But nothing happened. It was just another boring, tired, vomitty, heartburny, pee-ing, appetite-less day!

I had a midwife appointment at some stage during my 10th week of pregnancy, and my midwife gave me the necessary form, to be able to get an ultrasound. I rang up as soon as she's left, and booked in for April 4th at 11am. I would be 11w5d by then, and I knew I would be able to see my baby properly, see him/her moving around, see the heartbeat - and get some relief. That was if my baby was still alive. As soon as I had booked in for my scan, my anxiety level sky-rocketed, pretty much every minute of everyday after that, was spent over-analysing my pregnancy symptoms. I was so sure that I had lost my baby - that my scan would show a lifless little embryo.

The morning of April 4th, I drank the required litre of water, my sister & I drove to the ultrasound place, and after about 15 minutes, I was taken in. A sense of doom came over me, when I was taken into the same room that I was in on November 21st 2005 - when they confirmed I had miscarried. Up on the bed I lay with my fists clenched, not breathing - while the sonographer moved the wand around my belly to get the proper view of the uterus. The first thing I saw was a big empty space... my heart sunk. I'd miscarried... "That's your bladder! Very full indeed" the sonographer exlcaimed. Bladder? Phew! The next thing I saw, is something that makes me cry to this very day. I am crying as I write this...

I saw my precious, precious baby for the very first time. I got my first glimpse at the life that was inside of me. It was beautiful. My precious, beautiful, amazing baby was wiggling around like a little worm - waving arms and legs in the 'air', moving their whole body in jerky movements. My baby was very much alive. Such a beautiful, overwhelming, joyous thing to know. The baby's heartbeat was beating at 164bpm - very strong! Looking at my gorgeous baby, I couldn't help but wonder "are you a boy or a girl?" "do you look like me or your Daddy?". These thoughts were of course happening while I was silently bawling my eyes out, with relief. After about 10 minutes the scan was over, and I was glowing after seeing my precious for the first time. I went into the toilet to finally empty my bladder - and feeling extremely overwhelmed, I burst into tears. Huge, body shaking tears. I had not realised just how scared I had been about the scan. And the irony didn't fail to escape me - just 4 1/2 months earlier, I had been in that same toilet, crying huge, body shaking tears - of grief, at the loss of my 2nd baby.

The scan showed everything was normal, the only unexpected result was that I was a week further than I thought I was. I went into the scan 11w5d, and came out of it 12w5d! It excited me to realise that I was past that infamous 12w mark - and that my risk of miscarriage had dropped significantly!

The following day I went and got the disc of ultrasound photos, and cried all over again when I looked at them. It was such a beautiful experience, being able to look at my baby again - and being able to show my family & friend pictures of MY baby....

Suddenly the pregnancy was a lot more real!

Placental bond

Yesterday we buried mine & Gaby's placenta, and planted a gorgeous rose bush over top of it.

Everyone seems to say "ew yuck" when I mention the placenta, but I think it is one of the most beautiful things ever!

Looking at it yesterday, it overwhelmed me to think that it was that organ, which kept my baby girl alive & safe, during her time in my womb. Such a 'boring' looking thing, played such a miraculous role, in the growth & arrival of my baby girl. To some I guess the placenta represents "a gross bloody looking organ, which gets disposed of quick smart after birth" - but to me, the placenta represents SO much more than that.

It represents a life long bond to my baby girl, it is what gave Gaby life - and in a way, it is what gave me a second chance at life. I gave Gaby everything she needed to stay alive, through the placenta & the umbilical cord. It was the umbilical that connected Gaby to me, in every sense of the world.

I feel the same way when I look at her belly button. That cute little nub of skin represents where she once was connected to me - and the point where she became her own person, a seperate entity to me.

Burying the placenta was something I had to do - it was my way of carrying on the circle of life, and of giving Gaby root's. She can always come back here - this place will ALWAYS be a part of her, and in the same way, this place will ALWAYS be a part of me. The Rose is symbolic of Gaby & me both growing - physically, emotionally, mentally, more importantly - SPIRITUALLY. The placenta will give the rose extra nutrients, to help it thrive - in precisely the same way it gave GABY all the nutrients & life blood that she needed to grow & survive!

Burying the placenta has in a way, given me an even stronger feeling of love for Gaby... It has reminded me again that we were once one person.... and that we're ALWAYS going to have a strong bond, for as long as we both shall live - and beyond.