I'm sorry Gaby

.. it's sad of me, but one of the things I'm most upset about (regarding my split from Stu), is the fact that I'm not going to be able to give Gaby a little brother or sister for a long time now. I can't imagine having grown up without my sister, and I LOVE that we are close in age (just under 3 years)..... But Gaby... she might not experience that bond now. What if I don't meet another man for a few years, Gaby could be 7, 8, 9 before she gets a little brother or sister? And by then it won't be 'the same'. They won't grow up together, they will be at different stages of their lives.

I am mourning the fact that Gaby doesn't have a little sister - Addison Ciara, to play with...
I am mourning the fact that Gaby doesn't have a little brother - Kayleb James, to play with....

How can I miss what I *never* had?

I feel like I've let Gaby down now...

4 months old

We made it.. Gaby turned 4 months old yesterday! .... hopefully now the fear of SIDS will start to subside somewhat, now that she has passed the date & age where Brodie passed away.

The early morning of the 26th was an utter bitch. Gaby was awake most of the night, and required TWO bottles (as opposed to the usual.. NONE!), one at 12.30 and one at 6.15. Once we were both up properly, neither of us here happy, and we were both tired. We both cried for an hour or so! She then went to sleep on me & totally melted my heart, and when she woke up, she was back to being the happy Gaby we all love & know.

4 months old. wow! time sure does fly fast! Thursday she'll be 18 weeks old, I can't believe it!

Needless to say, we didn't hear from Stu at all yesterday, not regarding Gaby anyway - so much for 'being a good dad'. I'ts upsetting me, because I don't want Gaby to grow up only seeing her Dad every second weekend, I want him to see her 3-4 times a week, so that she KNOWS her Daddy properly. He just doesn't have a CLUE about raising a baby, or what the 'right' things to do are. It really pisses me off that he acts as though buying 1 can of formula is a huge deal, and makes him Daddy of the year - yet he can afford to go to the wrestling, and to buy stupid crap to sell on trademe.

He's going to have a bloody hernia when I tell him he's going to be paying 50% of the price of Gaby's new carseat!

love & loss

I am relieved that the 22nd February has passed... with Gaby still very much alive.

I feel terrible writing that, but I was so shit scared that Gaby would die on the same day as her precious big cousin ~Brodie Scott~... I do not know how Terri copes with the 22nd.. or with the month of February full stop. She is so strong, for one so young - she's been through things that NO ONE should have to go through, yet she still finds it in her to laugh, to smile, to love. If I lost Gaby, I don't think I could cope! Most people seem to admire their older sibling - but me, I admire my younger sibling. While most people bitch about their brothers/sisters, and argue with them - I can't remember the last time we argued, or that I was angry with her.

So many things as a first time Mum you don't expect, such as the feeling that if your baby were to die - you would want to die to. I didn't expect to think about what could happen to her when we're in the car... walking along the street... while we're asleep.... There is a majority of motherhood that is just fantastic, love it, wouldn't replace it for anything - BUT then there is that little teeny part, that has you in a state of constant paranoia, worry, anxiety... Most of the time the fear isn't obvious, but sometimes I can feel it in the pit of my stomach.. in my heart.. in my blood...

A July 06 PlayRoom Mummy on JustMommies, lost her little girl this week. Although I never spoke to her, never knew of her, never knew about her precious Aleah's fight, I am still saddened by the news, and have shed tears for her & her family.

Hearing horrible news like that, really makes you look at your own life, and realise that you have to make the most of every single second you get with the ones you love. Gaby is turning 4 months old on Monday, and I am excited about the next month to come - she can only grow more beautiful, and I can only grow to love her even more! If that's possible!

should be "life as a first time single mum" I guess

Well the inevitable happened last night.. Stu broke up with me. I guess i knew it was going to happen - things haven't been great between us since we got back together, and the past couple of weeks he has been so distant... and cold toward me

BUT it still hurts. He gave me the old 'I want to be friends' line, and said that he wants to be a 'good Dad', so when he is here overnight from now on, he is going to be the one getting up to her, to give her her dummy, or to give her a bottle if she needs one. I've been too soft with him up until now, but if he wants to be a good Dad, there are certain responsibilities he is going to have to take on.

So I guess from here on in, it's going to be me & Gaby against the world. I obviously can't rely on Stu to be there when I really need him - so why start setting myself up to be let down?

....... my constant thought through this has been "at least I still have Gaby".. it's what's getting me through

I hate this time of the year

February 22nd will be the 3 year anniversary of my nephew's passing. I am scared shitless about Gaby turning 4 months old, because Brodie died on the day he turned 4 months. I don't think I'm going to feel okay until the 22nd & 26th have passed (26th being the day Gaby turns 4 months), and Gaby is still safely in my arms. Part of me wishes I could just disappear until the 27th, but obviously I can't do that.

I cannot imagine how horrible... awful.... un-liveable my life would be if I lost Gaby. I cannot imagine no longer having my precious girl in my life, and everyday I fear walking in to find her dead in her cot. I've not cried myself to sleep about it in weeks, but that doesn't mean the thought still isn't there.

I wasn't with my sister when she found Brodie, but she described the moment so well, that I can see it in my head, and it breaks my heart when I think about it.

99% of my brain says 'everything will be fine', but there is another part that says 'no it won't be'. I don't know what I'd do if I lost Gaby - she really is the most important thing in my life, and without her, it'd all be pretty boring & meaningless. I hate to say it, but I believe that if I lost Gaby - I would contemplate going to join her.

Maybe all mothers feel that way?

1 year

February 7th was 1 year since I found out that I was pregnant with Gaby. I am in disbelief at how different my life is now - and how much I have been through over the past year! This time last year, I was in the throes of morning sickness, and was still coming to terms with the fact I *really* was pregnant!!!!

... I've been pregnant, I've given birth, I've breastfed, I've changed nappies, I've cleaned up spew, I've made parenting style choices....... I've changed 100% from who I was a little over a year ago. The things that used to be wonderful to me, have been replaced by things that are even more wonderful. The little things that used to bother me no longer do.......... and I've become a lot less selfish, Gaby really is the basis of my life, everything I choose to do, revolves around her!

How does the reality of motherhood, compare to the fantasy of motherhood that I once had? It's even better! I always knew it would be hard, but it would be rewarding - I just didn't realise HOW rewarding it would be. I could never imagine the feeling I would get, when going to get Gaby from the cot in the morning, and seeing her grin because she's happy to see me. I could never imagine the feeling I would get, when Gaby was unsettled, and after passing her around, I would be the only one who could get her to finally settle. I never imagined how beautiful a sleeping baby would be - the pure innocence, the angelic look.

I knew that I would love Gaby (or any child I had) - but I didn't realise that that love would be overwhelming & all consuming. I didn't know that that love would give me the power to do anything - or that it would make me want to do ANYTHING to protect my baby girl. I didn't realise just how happy love could make me feel, or that it would make even the shittiest of days, amazing.

It is truly amazing, being able to watch Gaby develop day by day. Seeing her do things one day, that she couldn't do the day beforehand. I never realised how exciting it would be when Gaby would reach another developmental milestone, or how proud of her I would feel!!!!!!

I love being a Mummy, I love my precious Gaby - I am so glad that life has panned out the way that it has, and for the first time in my life, I can see that everything that has happened up until now, has happened for a reason - and had they not happened, Gaby would not have happened.

how quickly they learn!

Today Gaby was displaying all the signs of being tired, so into her cot I put her.

Of course once I had her in the cot, she started dispalying all the signs of being WIDE AWAKE. But being Mummy, I knew best, and left her. Every couple of minutes I'd go and check on her - and before I would leave the room I would say "now go to sleep".

How did Gaby react to this? Did she sleep? NO. She LAUGHED. She flat out laughed in my face.

It was very adorable I have to say! She sure knows how to weaken her Mummy. I did stay strong though, and didn't get her back up, and within a few minutes she was asleep.

The past few days, Gaby has also learnt that if I take my attention away from her for more than a second, if she squeals I will pay attention to her! So what was she doing this morning while I was in the toilet? Squealing! When I was making a coffee? Squealing! When I was putting her bottle in the microwave? Squealing!

At the moment it is very cute, but I am sure that in a few months, it won't be quite as cute.
Mummy wrapped around her little finger already? HELL YES!