love & loss

I am relieved that the 22nd February has passed... with Gaby still very much alive.

I feel terrible writing that, but I was so shit scared that Gaby would die on the same day as her precious big cousin ~Brodie Scott~... I do not know how Terri copes with the 22nd.. or with the month of February full stop. She is so strong, for one so young - she's been through things that NO ONE should have to go through, yet she still finds it in her to laugh, to smile, to love. If I lost Gaby, I don't think I could cope! Most people seem to admire their older sibling - but me, I admire my younger sibling. While most people bitch about their brothers/sisters, and argue with them - I can't remember the last time we argued, or that I was angry with her.

So many things as a first time Mum you don't expect, such as the feeling that if your baby were to die - you would want to die to. I didn't expect to think about what could happen to her when we're in the car... walking along the street... while we're asleep.... There is a majority of motherhood that is just fantastic, love it, wouldn't replace it for anything - BUT then there is that little teeny part, that has you in a state of constant paranoia, worry, anxiety... Most of the time the fear isn't obvious, but sometimes I can feel it in the pit of my stomach.. in my heart.. in my blood...

A July 06 PlayRoom Mummy on JustMommies, lost her little girl this week. Although I never spoke to her, never knew of her, never knew about her precious Aleah's fight, I am still saddened by the news, and have shed tears for her & her family.

Hearing horrible news like that, really makes you look at your own life, and realise that you have to make the most of every single second you get with the ones you love. Gaby is turning 4 months old on Monday, and I am excited about the next month to come - she can only grow more beautiful, and I can only grow to love her even more! If that's possible!