sick baby girl!

Gaby is sick :(

Started on Thursday, we went to Westfields & noticed she was quite sleepy, even though she'd just had a sleep.... then noticed she had a fever! We took her straight to the doctors & her temp was 39.9. They managed to get it down with Panadol & Nurofen, and told us to go back in a few hours for another check. Went back later & they found she had an ear infection (that wasn't there at our first visit), so she got put on antibiotics.

Friday she was a bit better, but totally off her food & bottle. By about 4pm she hadn't drunken anything, so I took her back to the doctor & he wanted me to take her up to the hospital to be checked out. After about 5 hours at the hospital, she was confirmed as having an ear infection & virus, and cleared to go home! I was a bit happier after that, hearing the paediatrician say she was okay was reassuring.

Saturday she was better again - but had diarrhoea & some vomitting, but that seems to have settled down mostly now. She has been VERY sleepy & cuddly - which is cute, but also a bit sad, because she's not her usual boistrous self!!!! She is also teething, so I am guessing that that is just complicating the virus/ear infection somewhat as well.

It's been a bit scary for me really - all I could imagine when she first got sick were the worst case scenario's... just as I was leaving for the hospital, I actually thought to myself "is this the last time Gaby is going to be at home?"... very horrible to think that. And so glad it really was just a silly thought!!!!!

.... I have had a flu also, but am now better, so I'm feeling a little more up to coping with things. But I think it's time for life to settle down & give me a break for awhile!

Gaby is 1!

Well! Gaby is now 1!!!!!! Her birthday was on Friday, and she got absolutely spoilt! I think the most awesome present was the rocking-motorbike that my Dad made for her - it's sooooo neat! Though she thinks that normal riding is toooooo simple for her, she prefers to attempt to stand up on the bike! She got lots of clothes, and lots of other toys - she seems to reallllllly like the ball pit that I bought her - which I'm pleased about!

Gaby's rocking-motorbike

Her birthday party was on Saturday, and I think it was a success! There were absolutely no tears at all during the entire party, no fighting (by Jas & Alice), not even any mean words! Gabs had a sleep at 1pm, so she was up around 2pm - when the party 'officially' started.

Gaby & Josh

As with her birthday day, she got lots of new clothes (fantastic!), and a couple of toys. I don't think I'm going to need to buy her any clothes for awhile (doh!). She didn't like her cake one bit, but I didn't expect that she would - yet I just HAD to make her one, because well.. it was her birthday - she needed a cake!

Gaby's cake!

Her guests were:

• Sue, Jasmine & Alice
• Serena & Josh
• Terri & Evan
• Kai
• Sharlene
• Me
• Nan

I can't believe that my baby is 1!!! It feels like only y/day I brought her home from the hospital, and then here she is now - 1 year old!!!!!!!!! I never really imagined that her 1st b/day would arrive, but it's now been and gone. It's amazing...

last blog with an under-1-year-old!

Well tomorrow my baby girl turns 1!!!!! I can't believe the time has come already, that this time tomorrow my daughter will be 1. That this time a year ago, I was getting pretty close to having her in my arms!!!!!!

It's been a crazy, whirlwind year - more amazing than I imagined it would be... more confusing than I imagined it would be. But Gaby makes every single minute of it more than worth while. I love that little chicken so so much, my heart would shatter into a million little pieces if she was not here!!!!!

Tonight I'm going to spend some time wrapping presents, and no doubt remembering the past 12 months... And specifically the 25th & 26th October 2006!!!!

Here is a photo from last year & this year to compare!

Mama's little helper!

Today Gaby helped me to empty the dishwasher. She has been trying to 'help' for a few weeks now, and it really gets me irritated, because i'm so scared she's going to cut herself or hurt herself somehow. Today I finally realised she wouldn't NOT try to help, so I let her get the bottles out, and made sure the knives/forks/cups/plates were all out before I let her at it. It was pretty cute though, she seemed to have a ball!

mummy's little helper

9 days and Gaby will be ONE! I cannot wait for her birthday, I'm going to spoil her rotten. Infact, I'm sure that EVERYONE is going to spoil her rotten... but she deserves it! Her birthday party is going to be on the Saturday, and so far it's just a few family members & Serena/Josh coming, but that'll be more than enough. I think Stu & his family are having her on Saturday morning, so who knows, maybe she'll have two parties!

This time last year, I guess I was feeling pretty anxious & 'over' the whole thing. I was beginning to have a lot of anxiety issues, and was barely sleeping, because I was so terrified of losing her.. of her for some reason dying.. inside me... I don't think I could have handled that. I often wonder what'd have happened if I hadn't gone in to be induced. When I would have actually gone into 'proper' labour etc. I guess I'll never know, but at the same time, I have no reason to really care because she made it safe & sound!

long time no update!

I've not updated in a long time, due to switching all my blog entries from my old account, to this new one! But now that that is all (finally) finished, I can get back to updating a bit more regularly.

Gaby took her first step on Friday night! October 12th - which was my original EDD with her! She hasn't taken a step since, and sadly I missed it, BUT at least Mum/Dad/Terri got to see it! She is getting very clever standing up by herself, and her balance seems to be increasing with each day that passes. It is all very scary & exciting at the same time! My infant is going to be a toddler in a matter of days I think!!!

In 12 days Gaby will be 1!!! That is so exciting, and I can't wait to be able to wake up on the morning of the 26th & say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to her! I feel a bit stink because I've only gotten her two b/day presents yet, but I guess at her age it's not important to get a lot of presents? I'm sure that this week I'll splash out and buy her something else! I'm having a little party for her, I think it will just be Me, Gab, Terri, Mum, Dad, Serena, Josh, Sue, Jasmine & Alice - but that's probably more than enough for a 1st birthday!

It is highly possible that mid-May next year, Gaby will be a big sister! I got a couple of positive tests back around my b/day, but then my period arrived. However around 10 days later I got ANOTHER positive test, and ended up with 6 positives over the space of 3 days. My hcg levels are increasing, but we haven't been able to see anything via u/s yet. It is very frustrating, but going by the fact my hcg is increasing, I am hoping that things are just a bit earlier on than I thought. I have two more beta hcg tests this week & then probably another scan later in the week - and HOPEFULLY then we'll know for sure what's happening!!!!

Gaby is just adorable... and I am excited that she's going to be a big sister... But even if it turns out I am not pregnant, or that it's ectopic or a blighted ovum, then I am still more than happy with & am totally in love with Gaby..

Can't believe she's almost one...

sleep & other disasters

For pretty much the first time since Gaby was around 6 weeks old, we are having issues with sleep. SOME nights she is just fine, perfect really. Other nights, she will be awake on and off between 7-10.30, she'll be awake 2-5 times during the night. It is such a shock to the system after all of this time of GOOD sleeping!

Yesterday I decided to cut out one of her sleeps, and she slept fairly well last night, there was no waking before 4am. So maybe that is the key to it all. Maybe she's been sleeping TOO much during the day. I'm also going to make sure she is up by 4pm, and I won't put her down AFTER 3.30pm... So I guess we'll try to have a sleep around 9.30am & then a sleep around 1.30-2.00pm. See how that goes!

Gaby is 11 months old tomorrow! Time has gone somewhere, i'm not sure where!!!!! She seems to just be growing like a weed - I am really interested to see what she weighs now - and how long she is, because I think she's had a bit of a growth spurt lately.her say "Mum Mum"......

6 weeks until Gaby is 1!

I have been feeling a little funny lately - Gaby is going to be one in less than 6 weeks now. 6 weeks? Wow. I absolutely love & adore & cherish the toddler that Gaby is turning into, but I'm finding that I'm also beginning to miss my tiny little baby that I had not so long ago. I am picking this is a somewhat normal reaction to a baby reaching his/her first birthday. But I can't say that I expected it!

I was going through some photos of Gaby this morning, and she has grown so much, in such a small space of time. It really did bring tears to my eyes, seeing this small, 'fresh' newborn - and then comparing it to this funny, crawling, laughing, cheeky 11 month old that she (almost) is now.

I feel at times as though I'm too protective of Gaby, being so paranoid about SIDS, about her choking, about her getting into something dangerous, however I know that it is better to be a little paranoid, rather than not giving a damn what she does or what she gets into. I think it's going to be hard to let go more and more as she gets older, and DOES start to become independent. Once again, maybe this is a natural reaction/response?

All I know is that I love this little girl with all my heart - and more. I love her so much it does truly physically hurt. There is nothing lovelier than her smile, than her giggle, than a cuddle, than hearing

she seems to grow overnight!

The past few days whenever I have gotten Gaby up in the morning, she appears to be more grown up than she was the day beforehand. She is making new noises, pulling new faces, getting into more and more. It is like she really is growing right before my eyes - and I guess technically she is! It's quite amazing. A little sad, but mostly amazing!!!!

Still no more teeth, I don't THINK I should be worried about it at this stage, but if they aren't up by the time she turns 1, I will talk to the Plunket Nurse about it.

1st birthday... I don't know how much of a 'party' I should give her. I would LIKE to invite Ter & Gav, Sue & the girls, Serena & Josh, maybe Mel & Raph (depending on them having to travel) - I should probably invite Stu & his sisters too, so maybe that is getting too messy & too many people? I want to make her a birthday cake, but I don't know that it is NECESSARY for her 1st birthday. Well, OF COURSE she needs a cake! Who am I kidding? I should probably try & find recipes for kid-friendly-cakes. I was thinking of just doing a banana cake.... maybe i'll stick to that plan!

10 months!

Gaby was 10 months old last Sunday. She is now a 'double digits girl', and that thought is freaky! I think back to this time last year, being around 33 weeks pregnant & waiting (not so) patiently for her arrival, and now she's almost 1!!!!

She is becoming more and more mobile each day, she can pull herself up against furniture easily now, and can crawl at a rather fast pace. The past couple of weeks I have noticed she is starting to want to feed herself - which is a messy activity, but one that she has to do all the same! It's so cool to see her getting food into her fingers, getting it in her mouth & then eating it. She isn't AS dependent on me anymore, and it's quite cool. Scary, but cool!

Gaby has said three words now. Mum, Nan & Poppa. WOW!!!!!!! I think Mum & Dad are both quite chuffed that she has said their names - Dad told everyone at work that she said 'Poppa' before anything else... obviously forgetting that she has been saying "Mum" for a couple of weeks now!!!!! Oh well, whatever makes him feel like 'the man'.

Last Sunday Gaby also had chocolate ice cream for the first time! She certainly enjoyed it, and got good and messy!

love her so much

Once again - I can't believe how much I love that little girl. She has been so cheeky lately - getting into stuff she shouldn't be getting into - but at the same time KNOWING she shouldn't be, and giving me a sneaky little grin as she pulls on a cord, or takes a DVD from the rack, or puts her hand in the middle of the TV screen.

She has started saying Mum! Talk about a wonderful moment in my life. I know it is more than a 'noise' - it is a real word. The past few days she has been standing up a LOT, I am scared (in a pleasant way) that she's going to start walking in the very near future.

I watched Maternity Ward yesterday, and I have to say, I am so so so glad that everything was okay with me & Gaby before & after her delivery. There is so much that can go wrong, I am so lucky that everything was straight forward for the two of us. I am so lucky to have a happy, healthy, thriving baby girl.

so grown up

Since Gaby started crawling - she has seemed so grown up, all of a sudden! She is getting into EVERYTHING, and doing things she'd not have done a week ago. I love it, but it's also a bit scary!

She is beginning (slowly) to learn what "no" means, and I think she's beginning to know certain things she's not allowed to touch or play with.... I REALLY need to do some more baby proofing though, and try to figure out some ways to make the house a bit more baby-safety-friendly.. There is nothing really obviously harmful - BUT I'm sure there are hazards out there that I've not thought of.

I've been reminiscing about Gaby's birth some more lately... and about my pregnancy. I can't wait to be pregnant again & to experience my child growing inside me. Although when I say I "can't wait" I don't mean I want to be pregnant now, or even in the next couple of years........ I want to devote my time to Gaby right now...

crawling!

On the 2nd of August, at approx 2.37pm - GABY STARTED CRAWLING!!!!!!!!!!!

My baby is officially mobile now, and it's all a little scary. It means she's a step closer to being independent. She no longer needs me to carry her everywhere. Soon she'll be walking. Then running. Not to mention talking. Going to primary school. Going to intermediate. Going to high school. Dating. Going to university (if she wishes to)..... Getting married... having children..... Okay, so maybe there are still quite a few years before she reaches that peak, BUT it's all getting more and more real!

Tomorrow we are getting some more Pixi Foto's taken tomorrow - and I think Terri & Gav, Sue & the girls are going to get a photo done with her as well. It's all quite exciting really - I'm going to love having these photo's to look back on in the future!

I think we are teething at the moment, she's been waking up at 4.30-5.30am, and not going back to sleep, she's grizzly, dribbling a whole lot, chewing on anything that will fit in her mouth. I really hope these dang teeth arrive soon, so that I can have a good 7-8 hour sleep. I'm starting to feel a little rundown at the moment, BUT it's all part of the package isn't it. And if I had to choose between good sleep, or having Gaby - Gaby would win every single time!

growth spurt & 12 months approaching

the past few days Gaby has been quite grizzly - and quite hungry, just acting quite out of character. Last night she had THREE bowls of dinner! LOL. I am picking she is having a growth spurt, I remember the plunket nurse saying that she'd probably have her next between 9-10 months.

Josh turned 1 the other day, so that means Gaby isn't far off! Scary stuff. I'm trying to decide if I should buy her anything else for her b/day - she is only going to be 1 - she isn't going to understand what the heck is going on, and will probably be more interested in the boxes! BUT it would be nice to spoil her! I might get her some more books, and a couple of cute little outfits maybe...

Not sure if I will have a 'party' for her... I will invite Sue & the girls, Ter, Gav & Tyler... and probably Josh & Serena... and then there will be Stu & his sisters.... hmmmm could be a busy day!

happy 9 month b/day

Gaby is 9 months old today!!!! 9 months ago today, my life changed irreversibly - not that I'd want to reverse it!

It's really funny (well not funny haha) how much your life changes once you have a baby. You realise how much you've taken certain things for granted (sleeping in!), you realise that your parents weren't really that bad, you realise how important family is, you realise how un-important going out & getting drunk every weekend is... Your choice in friends changes, you drift away from those friends without children, and get closer to those with children. And suddenly YOU are not the most important thing in your life - your baby/child is 10x more important than you, and you automatically put their needs ahead of your own.

Some people probably think "that sounds pretty lame" - but I love it. I feel like my life is on the track it's meant to be on, since I've had Gaby. I don't think I'm meant to be a 'career woman', I don't think I'm meant to be someone who travels until they are 40........ I think I'm meant to be a Mum. I KNOW I'm meant to be a Mum.

Although sometimes, with the way things are with society now, I feel like it's not good enough for me JUST to be a Mum. I should be working 40 hours a week, while studying at the same time. Until recently that has caused me a lot of confusion. But I have finally realised that I CAN 'just be a Mum'. I don't HAVE to be at university. I don't HAVE to be working 40 hours a week. For me personally, the most important thing is that Gaby is put first - and that she's the most important thing in my life - that she gets as much time with me as possible during the early days, to build that all important foundation of love & respect........

I love her so much..... she's a little monkey at times, but I love her all the more for it!

plunket update

Hmm well the Plunket update y/day wasn't that exciting, because she weighs what she weighed when the doctor weighed her on their scales (with nappy & clothes on), and she is SHORTER than the last measurement we were given? LOL obviously there is a bit of a discrepency between the two measurey thingys! Anyways she's 21lb1.5oz & 71cm long.... We go back at 12 months for another check up. I'm a little worried about the whole length being the same at 7 & 9 months? but hopefully it IS just a weird discrepancy though

Gaby is doing really well, she seems to be getting around on her hands & knees now, just not by crawling. One minute she's by the TV, the next she's by the couch. It's pretty cute!

Me & Serena have decided to take Gaby & Josh to the Queenspark Playgroup, to see if we can meet some new Mummy's & babies! It is $1 a session, so it's not exactly going to break the bank is it. Speaking of the bank, I'm going to get a bank account set up for Gaby, so that I can put all her money bank money in there - and so people can just put money in her bank account if they don't want to get her b/day or xmas presents... I'm picking most people would sooner give presents hehe, I know I would! I would like her to get to 18 & have a nice little amount of money tucked away - so she can maybe go travelling.

Me & Gaby are quite possibly going to be in the Treasures magazine!! The lady who is the editor of the single parenting article/section of the magazine, rang and left a message yesterday to ask if I would be interested in being in an article! Of course I am, who wouldn't be! She is going to ring me around 11.00 today, so I'm waiting by the phone!

plunket tomorrow

Gaby has Plunket tomorrow - it will be very interesting to see how much she's grown since her last check! I think she'll probably be close to 23lb, and maybe... 75cm long?

She still isn't crawling, but she is getting closer to it. Hopefully she'll start this week, but then again athere is really no rush, so long as the Plunket nurse says she's doing okay, and i'm pretty sure she will!!!!

No more teeth yet, though her attitude lately tends to make me think there will be one or two popping through in the near future! I'm sure she'll get a hell of a shock when she first eats with 4 teeth - and actually bits something off!

She's getting cuter and cuter each day, I just love her so much - I would be heartbroken if anything happened to her, I really really would be.

my little spittle bug

LOL Ms Gabrielle has started spitting! It's so cute.. though I'm sure that soon enough it won't be cute! She seems to know the perfect time to do it, to make me laugh. I am 100% sure that she understands a LOT more than I give her credit for, there is a very intellegent brain inside that huge head of hers!

Today while she was having some tummy time, I noticed that Gaby was up on her toes & hands! It looked so cute, but I think I gave her a bit of a fright with my excited shriek I let out, because she collapsed. Hopefully I can get her to do it again soon. I really hope that she begins crawling soon... Just so I know that she's doing things she's meant to be. I know that she isn't behind, but well, I feel like people judge me by the stage of development Gaby is at.... it shouldn't bother me, but it does. We saw Sally & Jane over the weekend & they gave me 'that look' when I said Gaby wasn't crawling......

changing overnight

Gaby has been changing overnight - quite literally too! The past three or four days, each morning she wakes up looking different, and making different noises. It is so overwhelming how quickly she's growing up - for instance this afternoon, she pulled herself up to a standing position! She has never done that before, hell she's never even seemed CLOSE to doing that before, but there she was!

Yet again, I have become overwhelmed when thinking about how much I love Gaby. I was in her room talking to her this morning & I began crying, because all of this love was just pouring out. It terrifies me to think that something could happen to her, or that something could happen to me.... I hope to god (not that I believe!) that nothing happens, that in 50 years time we have a normal mother/daughter relationship, but I guess no one can predict what is going to happen in the future.

Gaby still isn't crawling, but today she seemed to get closer and closer with each little attempt, so I'm sure it can't be too far away. Watch out world! when she does start crawling - nothing is going to be safe! Tomorrow we are going to Timaru to see Nana who is in hospital, and we are then going to see Deb, Mark & the boys - and they are coming up here for the night, because Mark and Corey are going to the All Blacks match (lucky bastards). I am sure that Deb hasn't seen Gab since Christmas - in which case, that is over 6 months ago! I'm looking forward to getting away from Christchurch...

teething again

Pretty sure Gab is teething again, but she doesn't seem as bad as the last time! Thank god! It's scary to think she may have new teeth soon!

She still isn't crawling, but I'm sure it'll happen soon - it's going to be so funny seeing my little girl crawling all around the house. It must be weird for babies, they are stuck in one place for the first 8 or so months of their lives, and then WHAMMO - they have a whole house to explore

poor Gaby

Poor Gaby has thrush on her bum & it isn't clearing up. We've been to the doctor three times for it, and have had three different creams - and now some antibiotics, but if anything it seems to be getting worse. Poor little poppet. We saw Tim y/day and he said that one of the 'raw patches' has actually ulcerated. I hope it clears up soon, because it can't be comfortable.

She was a bit cranky during the night, and I'm wondering if there is another tooth or two beginning to make their way down, esepcially seeing as she was also very grumpy this morning. I hope there are teeth coming, because I hate to think there is something else wrong that I haven't picked up on...

cutest thing to wake up to

Gaby woke me up on Friday morning at 6.09am - LAUGHING! She was hard out laughing, and I have no idea what she was laughing at, because she had no toys in her cot. All she could probably see was her mobile, but I don't think that would make her laugh as much as she was!! LOL it was so much nicer waking up to that, than waking up to crying!!!!!

She's becoming such a little character, and has started experimenting with making noises from her mouth - not babbling noises, but just random noises with her tongue. It's very very cute, and I am guessing it's all part of normal language accquisition!

Aw... I just love this little girl so much - and I cannot imagine how boring.. and even meaningless my life would be, if she hadn't come into it. She makes every day a good day, and even when I'm feeling down, or crying for whatever reason, she laughs at me, and that makes me laugh.. or she'll smile at me.. or snuggle up to me. It makes me remember that I can't sweat the small stuff, not when I have this little beauty in my life. She makes the bad stuff go away, and the good stuff even... good-er!

I got a new tattoo the other day - Gaby's footprint with her name/b'day. The footprint is a little bigger than I thought it would be, but it needed to be in order to do all the detail...

8 months old

My precious baby girl is 8 months old today! As I say with every month that passes - time is going SO fast, and before I know it she's going to be one. I don't think crawling is too far away either, which makes things doubly exciting.

Saturday, Sunday, Monday Gaby refused to sleep at all during the day - so it was a pretty funny (in a bad way) three days. I took her to the doctor yesterday (monday) and she has a virus, her throat is a little red, so I have to keep an eye on her. I'm hoping it goes away soon, and doesn't turn into an infection, however it doesn't seem to be effecting her too much, so that's okay. She also still has thrush on her bottom, but it is looking better than it was this time last week - and hopefully it'll clear up properly soon.

poor baby girl

Aw my little poppet has got her first real medical 'problem' - she has thrush on her bottom! I thought that it was just your run of the mill nappy rash, but I explained what it looked like to the Plunket Nurse on the helpline & she said it sounded more like thrush, and that I should go to the doctor & get a definate diagnosis... and it was! We have some cream now, and it seems to have already started working, which is great. Poor we thing, I almost cried when I saw it this morning. I think we've done pretty good though - she's 8mo in 6 days and this is her first dose of anything that's needed medication to clear it up (well, minus the reflux).

8 months. Wow, the months just seem to go past faster & faster. I am getting kind of excited about her turning one, and throwing her her first birthday party! Baking her first cake! I will probably invite Josh & Ryan, as far as baby-friends go, and i'll get Terri & Gav to come over, and Stu & his sisters.... Mum & Dad... Stu's Mum & Step-Dad & that'll be that. She slept through properly the other night, didn't even have to get up to give her her dummy - I hope it's a sign of things to come!

this time a year ago

Amazing to think that this time a year ago, I was 22w2d pregnant. Gaby was still tucked up safely inside my belly - and I was getting excited about SLOWLY approaching the 3rd trimester! Everything was going pretty smoothly, I was still at work, but was looking forward to starting my maternity leave. Gaby's kicks were starting to get stronger, and my belly was starting to look more obviously pregnant. The reality of giving birth was starting to set in, and my little worries were beginning to come to the surface. The day that I would meet my daughter loomed in the not so distant future, but it felt like a lifetime away.

And now? Everyday passes so quickly. Gaby is 7 1/2 months old, soon enough she'll be ONE. And this time last year I was only just half way through my pregnancy. I am absolutely in awe of how much my body has achieved - and how much Gaby's body has achieved, in such a small amount of time. I have been reading back on my birth story, and I cried reading it. I had forgotten certain things, and I was taken back to that night..... losing my plug, my waters breaking, being wheeled down to the birthing suite, the prostin pains, feeling such a massive connection to my Mum., the c/s decision, saying goodbye to my Mum, being wheeled into the theatre suite... walking into theatre, the epidural & other assorted jabs & pricks & pokes, the doctor explaining what was happening, time standing still, hearing Gaby cry for the first time, seeing Gaby for the first time, Stu holding Gaby for the first time, me holding Gaby for the first time...... God I loved all of it.

I really think I could fill up 1000 pages in a book on how I feel about my pregnancy, birth & being a Mum - and that is only after the first 7 1/2 months of being a Mum, and 9 months of pregnancy. I am contemplating writing a book of some sort. Not necessarily for publication, but more so that I don't forget everything, so that I have something to pass on to Gaby when she's older, or (shudders at the thought) when she gets pregnant with her first baby.... Life never really held any meaning for me, until now. Gaby has made life REAL for me.

sleeping like an angel

The past two days Gaby has been sleeping SOOOOOOO well! I'm still in shock! Yesterday she had about 5 sleeps during the day, and didn't protest when I put her down for any of them, she went to bed for good at 6.40pm & woke up at 8.40am! She woke once during the night, but that was just to have her dummy put in. No bottle needed! And so far today she's onto her second sleep. Her first sleep she slept for TWO hours! I'm actually starting to wonder if this is 'good' normal, or if something is wrong with her. It's not NORMAL for her. But then I'm also wondering if the weather has something to do with it (it's cold), and being home by ourselves as well - there isn't the usual hustle & bustle, which she is used to on a daily basis.....

Cutest thing happened today - Gaby was trying to get my tattoo off!!!! LOL it was way to cute!

hooray for better weeks!

This week has been 10x better than the last 2 or 3 weeks. THANK. GOD. It seems (touch wood) that Gaby is starting to get back into a night time waking routine, GENERALLY just waking once or twice at night - usually around 1-2am and then again at 5.30-6.30am, sometimes she will wake up earlier the first time (like 11pm) - which while it's a pain because I am just getting to sleep, it also seems to be working out pretty well, because she doesn't seem to wake up until around 5.30-6.30am! So I don't mind at all really.

Gaby is out for the first time with her Aunty Jacqui and Aunty Karen - and it's SO weird not having her around. I have been away from her before, but in the past she's been with either Mum or Terri, so it's a bit different (because they see her on a very regular basis & know her routines and her little personality traits)... they are having her until around 1.30-2.30, and it's now 12.30. I'm not 'sad' as such, but I do miss her and I am looking forward to seeing her get back!!!!

I am a little worried that Gaby doesn't roll over. She has rolled both ways a few times, BUT not for the last couple of months, which I think is really strange. But that said, she is still developmentally normal, and there doesn't seem to be any reason for concern. I guess I'm just going to have to try to put her on her tummy more, and encourage her to get her roll on! She is beginning to show little steps toward crawling, she can get up on her knees (when she wants), but I still think it's going to be a couple of months before she's crawling. Once again - maybe she needs more tummy time!

A big milestone is happening next week... Gaby is going to pre-school for the first time!!!! I'm a bit nervous about it all, but it's only 6 hours a week (3 hours on Monday & Thursday). The social interaction with other young babies/toddlers is going to be great for her, and I think it will be a positive experience for both of us. I am considering going back to university next year, so I think it's probably a good thing if Gaby gets used to pre-school now, because I'll have to put her in pre-school for a few more hours a week next year. Hopefully I can work my timetable out so my classes are one after the other, and she can be the least amount of time necessary. I just hope she doesn't crawl for the first time there.. or walk for the first time.. or say her first word.

2 teeth, 7 months, where has my baby gone

Gaby turned 7 months old yesterday - and last week she got her first two teeth!!!! I know I say this evvvvverrrryyyyyytime, but WHERE DOES THE TIME GO??? I have been reminiscing a lot lately about my pregnancy, and about when Gaby was born. I can't believe that all of that was 7+ months ago. It was almost 16 months ago that I found out I was pregnant! It was a bit over a year ago that we had our 'big' scan & found out we were having a girl. Gosh, those days I will never ever forget. The first scan I still cry about when I think of it. Nothing can describe the feeling you get when you realise that your baby is infact alive & well.... or the sudden realisation that the chance you'll become a parent in around 6 months!!!!

Gaby is developing so fast. All of a sudden she's touching EVERYTHING - she has a particular fascination with cell phones & remote controls, and suddenly she needs to touch the door handle when she's going through a door!!! She is sitting extremely well - she doesn't fall over often, and when she does it's because she's trying to turn around & look behind her. Have I mentioned she LOVES the cat? Poor kitty, he's going to be so harrassed once she starts crawling!

I am loving that me, Stu & Gaby ARE a little family now. Most mornings that Stu is here, he or I will bring Gaby into our bed when she wakes up in the morning, and have a family snuggle. It's so sweet, and I feel so complete when we do it. I am looking forward to the day we finally move in together & can be a REAL family, but I know we aren't quite ready for that yet - though I'm confident it is going to happen!!!!!

Gaby is so lucky to have so many people who adore her. Nan, Poppa, Aunty Terri & Uncle Gavin worship the ground she..... lies/sits on, and I know they'd do anything for her. It is almost scary how much Gaby reminds me of Terri already - she seems to have a very similar temprement, which I'm not sure is a good thing or a bad thing!

teeth are cutting!

Well, Gabs teeth are FINALLY starting to cut! Doesn't mean they are going to come up anytime soon though! They seem to come up & go down during the day, but I am hoping that in the next couple of days her teeth will finally be through!

On Wednesday Grandma is coming up, which is so exciting! I can't wait for Grandma to meet Gaby, and for Gaby to meet her Great Grandma for the first time! I get quite sad about the fact that Grandma hasn't met her yet, but soon enough she'll be able to spend 3 days or so with her! Yay!

The last three days have been quite testing for me. I just don't cope well with Gaby when she is screaming the way she has been lately, and I think I cry almost as much as she does... Sometimes I wonder if I really AM a good Mum? But I know that I am - Mum keeps reassuring me that ALL babies go through this, and that all Mums feel this way.

I love Gaby so much, my heart just bursts when I see her first thing in the morning, or when she first gets up from a sleep. And when she does something for the first time, I feel so proud of her, and my heart bursts allllll over again!!!!!

I am really liking having Serena to talk to. It's nice to have another (young) Mum who knows what life is like with a young baby, when you're on your own for a lot of it. We are thinking about moving in together early next year, which I think would be really great - for us & for the kids!!!!

Today is my first Mothers Day... awwwwwww how exciting! Stu bought me a pair of earrings & Mum & Dad bought me a book... I feel so spoilt! LOL wasn't my ideal way to spend Mothers Day - with a screaming baby - but it was sooooooo lovely to have a precious baby in my arms at last, on this special day

tears tears tears

I can't remember what started the tears today, but I was cuddling Gaby after her bottle, trying to get her to sleep, and I was overcome by tears!

Staring at Gaby's sweet little face, I was so overcome by the fact that she's MINE, that she is MY daughter, that for the rest of time she will be MINE. She was touching my face, and it was just the sweetest thing.

I cannot remember back to life without Gaby in it - and in away I'm glad, because life without Gaby is something I hate thinking about. While my life would have had meaning, it would have nowhere near as much meaning as it has now. When I look into Gaby's eyes the love that I feel is off the scale. I would do anything for her - I would walk to the end of the world & back.

I was a bit scared over the weekend, when I heard about the hit & run in Christchurch & the drive by shooting up in Wanganui (what the hell??? are we living in America??). It scares me to think that Gaby is growing up in a world where two year old's get caught up in gang shoot out's, and get murdered... and where idiots think it's okay to drive their car into a group of people, and kill two innocent partygoers, and injure numerous others.

I guess to sum it up, I love Gaby more than I love life itself, and I refuse to even imagine a life without her in it!

how does one cope?

Really, how does one cope with a teething baby??? I'm pretty sure I've been crying almost as much as Gaby has been lately!!! Her front bottom teeth are trying to come through, and I hate to think how much pain they are causing my baby girl! I feel like such a bad Mum at the moment, because I'm quite grumpy - I don't MEAN to be, and more's the point, I don't KNOW why I am grumpy, but I am.

So Ms Gabrielle is now 6 months old! It's so amazing how fast she is developing, everday she's making new noises she wasn't making the day beforehand, and she is trying to crawl now as well! When she's on her tummy you can see her thinking "now, my arms and legs are meant to do something here".. LOL it's so cute!

I'm not sure what the world is coming to. There was a drive by shooting in Wanganui last night & a hit and run in Christchurch....... makes me scared for Gaby & the way the world is going to be when she's older

6 months of love

Gaby is now 6 months old! Time has gone so very fast, but I have loved every moment of it. I cannot imagine my life without her - and cannot think of anything more rewarding, than being a Mum!

My Grandma is coming up in 3 or 4 weeks to see Gaby for the FIRST time! I cannot wait until Gaby can finally meet her Great Grandma. It will be nice to be able to get a '4 generations' photograph to add to the collection.

The most exciting news, since my last post however, is that me & Stu are back together! And very happy with it! We have spoken a lot about it, and I do believe things will be different this time. It is so lovely to feel like a family... finally. Stu has given me a (beautiful) ring, and although the ring had nothing to do with my decision, it does make me feel that things are different now.

A bit of sad news, Stu's Mum & Step-Dad are moving to Blenheim in a couple of weeks, so Gaby isn't going to be able to see her Nana very often. Blenheim isn't too far away though, and there is no reason we can't go and visit them every once in a while!

Gaby still has no teeth through, although i think her bottom, middle, left tooth is going to cut soon, I can see it through her skin, and the way she has been acting the past few days (very unsettled, not wanting to sleep) it makes total sense.

remembering

Some stuff has happened over the past few days, that has made me think a lot, back to my pregnancy, Gaby's arrival, and the early days of her life.

I still find myself crying, when I think about her arrival, and the whole process. The attempted induction, deciding to have a c/s, losing my plug, my waters breaking, the prostin pains, waiting to go in for my c/s, being in theatre, the c/s, hearing that Gaby had been born, hearing her cry for the first time, seeing her for the first time, Stu holding her, my first hold, the 4 hours in recovery, Mum coming in & meeting Gaby for the first time, everyone meeting her for the first time... Even as I write this I am crying because of those memories.

It was such an amazing time of my life, and such a momentous occasion. I don't think anything can EVER compare to that - probably not even my future children's births. OF COURSE I am going to be moved by my future children's arrivals, and I'm going to do the same crying, my heart is going to grow just as it did with Gaby - but it's going to be a little different, because it won't be my first child's birth. I cannot wait to go through it all again - to go through the excitement & let down & final joy of TTC (trying to conceive), the anxiety & excitement of pregnancy, the anxiety and total, pure, utter joy of giving birth & seeing my baby for the first time.

she's growing up tooooo fast!

ong... tonight Gaby is wearing her first pair of flanelette pyjamas!!!! The past couple of days I have bought her some clothing which is size 0...... Size 0 already! Seems like just yesterday she was wearing NB size - and some of them were too BIG for her! Terri refuses to believe that she's big enough for size 0, and I feel the same way!!!!!!

My precious little girly is going to be turning 6 months old next week - where has time gone??? In a way it's nice that time's going so fast, but on the other hand, it is VERY scary! I want her to be little forever, but I can't wait for her to start crawling and walking.....

Mel & Raph came over and visited the other day, with Ryan - who is just way too adorable! He's such a cute little guy! Little is the operative word too, he looks like a little tiny, miniature baby next to Gaby! Hehe. I got a couple of holds, and he is SO light compared to my little heffalump! I can't wait until Gaby & Ryan are old enough to play together, and to be little friends!

feet apparently!

Feet apparently, are VERY interesting! LOL they are definately Gaby's latest favourite toy! It is so cute, she plays with her feet for hours, when I go in to get her out of her cot, if she's been awake for awhile, she will be playing with her feet, and acting like they are the most amazing thing in the world!

Dad puts her on his shoulders, and then crosses his legs & wobbles his feet, and Gaby laughs hysterically! We don't know what the big appeal is, but it never fails to make her laugh - which is just the most adorable sound in the world! This morning I noticed she was watching my feet, and copying me when I was moving them - she was moving hers too! Hmm maybe she has some weird sort of foot fetish? ... so long as she isn't like her Aunty Terri, and doesn't start chewing the skin off the bottom of her toes! Hehe, that is something I'll never forget!

She has also started chewing on her flanelette sheets as well! I guess it is something to do with the texture of the sheets, and the feeling of them on her gums... Her poor aching gums! Still no teeth through yet, but HOPEFULLY it'll happen soon! The past few days she's been quite good as far as the teething goes, which makes it all a bit more bearable... Not that it is ME that has to go through the excruciating pain! I wish I could go through the pain for her.

I think I'm quite lucky that Gaby hasn't been sick yet - she's had no cold's, flu's or tummy bugs - so I think that's pretty good, considering she is close to 6 months old! I am expecting she'll get her first cold soon-ish, considering it is now the middle of Autumn. I think I'm ready for it though - surely the older they get, the easier (slightly) an illness is to deal with... not that it's going to be any fun!

I must run.. the rugrat appears to be awake!

testing testing times

Gosh, would those teeth just pop through already? My perfect baby girl has turned into some sort of.. monster! Admittedly a bloody gorgeous monster, but a monster all the same. After sleeping through the night for ages, she's all of a sudden waking up at the most random of hours, and isn't particularly unsettled, but isn't wide awake either.

I blame it on the teething, that makes it seem more bearable or something! She's started blowing raspberries, and with all the drooling she's doing right now, the spit just flies! She's gotten me in the face quite a few times, LOL no one told me that was in the description of being a Mama! I am pretty sure I can feel the tooth about to come through, so hopefully this time next week it'll be through? If not, then I'll keep on keeping on!

Gabs is sitting up splendidly now! It's amazing, she can stay sitting by herself for 5 minutes or so, and her balance seems to be improving each day - it never fails to amaze me how much she changes, on a day to day basis! I can't wait for her to start crawling, to start standing, to start walking.... although i'm sure that'll also be a little bit sad, because with each milestone she reaches & passes, she becomes less of a baby & more of a child!

Solids are something she still isn't particularly fond of, although she really likes the Golden Circle chicken & spring vegetables! She is only having solids once a day at the moment, I don't see any reason to push it, she'll have more when she's ready. That said, I might try her on some solids tomorrow morning, and see if I can get into the routine of solids in the morning & at night, so that it isn't such a shock when she DOES have to start eating solids more regularly.

I can't believe Gabs is almost 6 months old - it seems like just yesterday she was born.. infact, it seems like just yesterday I found out I was pregnant! It was a little over a year ago that I had my first scan, so this time last year I was feeling pretty damn good!!!! My love for her continues to grow with each day that passes, and i'm not quite sure how that is possible, because my heart is pretty much exploding as it is!

rather monstrous time

Gaby is officially teething, and boy, is she letting me know ALL about it! She's been very uncharacteristically grumpy the past few days, and is in a lot of pain. I'm doing everything I can to help her & make the pain as bearable as possible, but it feels like I'm not doing enough.

She has her two front bottom teeth coming through - you can see them right beneath the surface, I hope that they come through soon!! That said, she is still being very cute, and everyday seems to learn something new! All of a sudden she has found her feet, and won't take her hands off them! She's also started sitting more & more by herself, which I didn't think would happen for another 3 months or so! Scary how fast she's growing up!

roll over, roll over

at 6.05pm last night (26/03/07) on the night of her 5 month birthday - GABY ROLLED OVER! Back to front! GOOOOOOOO GABY! I guess the next big milestone will either be crawling, or the arrival of a little toothy peg! Stacey saw her rolling over, so that was pretty cool!

I took Gaby for her 5 month injections today, and it's fair to say that she wasn't impressed! She screamed and screamed and screamed, but luckily by the time we were ready to leave she was sleeping soundly! I got her weighed and she is now 7950g/17lb8oz! I can't believe that she's put on close to a pound in the space of about 2 weeks!!!! Amazing.

... then again, amazing, that is pretty much the one word i'd use to sum up Gaby

toooo cute!

Gaby has gotten even cuter over the last few days, and she's started making new 'talking' noises - I almost hate putting her to bed, because it means i'll miss out on 90-120 minutes of cuteness!

She hasn't rolled from her tummy to back for a few days now - although I bet she does it when I'm not looking! LOL. She will be 5 months old tomorrow, I can't believe how fast time flies. My baby girl is no longer my baby girl - she's turning into a child...

We went down to Ashburton to visit Mel & Ryan on Friday - the little guy is so adorable! And when I say little, I mean little! Well, in comparison to Gaby anyway! Mel seems to be doing really well, and seeing her has taken me back to when Gaby was a newborn... times have changed so much since then!!!! Admittedly seeing Ryan - and seeing Mel with her brand new baby, made me a bit clucky for number 2. Although there isn't anything I can do about that without a man or a long term, committed relationship!

Each day that passes, my love for my precious little baby grows - I didn't think it was possible to love someone this much - let alone even more!!!!

I'm quite smitten really - all I need in this world is my family & my Gaby

nothing cuter than

When I go in to check Gaby & she is only just awake, so I put her dummy back in & her eyes roll back in her head & slowly the eyelids close.... and 1 second later she's back in the land of nod.

Although, there is nothing cuter than Gaby in general! Haha, do you think I'm a tad biassed??? NEVER!

Gabs is sleeping really well today, thank goodness - total opposite from what she was at this time yesterday! I just want to cuddle her & kiss her when she's sleeping so peacefully, she looks so blissed out, and innocent

innocence is a child sleeping

why can't I cope sometimes?

why can’t I cope sometimes?Yesterday - Gaby crying resulted in me cuddling her, and kissing her, telling her it'd be okay, humming lullabies, rocking her to sleep.

Result - me feeling like a wonderful Mum

Today - Gaby results in me getting angry, in me saying things I don't mean, in me crying more than she does, in me wondering where the hell her father is so I don't have to do this alone.

Result - me feeling like the worse Mum in the world, and like I don't even deserve Gaby

Where is Stu for that matter? Why can't he be here when things are going bad, when I'm losing the plot & Gaby is losing the plot? A few minutes to take a break & regain my composure is all that I ask. He can't even do that though. I would be well & truly fucked if it wasn't for my parents and Terri.

It's just weird how on certain days I can cope, don't give it a second thought - but other days (admittedly rarely!) I can't cope, and I feel like I'm going to lose control. What makes the days so different? I'm happy today - yet i'm still not feeling very in control of things? I can be really angry with someone/something - but can cope easy.

Maybe because she's been so good lately, I am finding it a bit more testing now that she's having a 'bad' day. I know that it is the reflux that is making her grumpy - but i just don't know how to deal with it? Besides giving her her medicine, keeping her upright, burping her, there isn't anything else i can do to help the reflux! I can't NOT feed her, for obvious reasons... I do the usual checks, temperature, nappy, hungry.... but sometimes, nothing will work.

I would NEVER EVER EVER even contemplate hurting Gaby, if things were going to get that bad, i'd be checking myself into hospital! But sometimes when she's in bed, I will throw things around, or scream..... however after that I usually feel better, and generally have a cry & go in and say sorry to Gaby in her cot....

.... and then thankfully, usually after that we'll have another 3 weeks or so of Mummy coping well...

LOL maybe it'd be a bit easier if I smoked... hehe.. no, i'm never going back there again. Yick. That is all I can say. Yick

love love love love

I, Emma Jane Oakden, hereby declare I am madly in love with Gabrielle Jayda-Lee Oakden.

Hehe... I'm not sure whats going on with me, but I'm so happy lately, and nothing really seems to phase me, if that makes sense at all? Everything seems so bright & shiny & happy - even the bad stuff, i'm finding a silver lining!

Gaby is being such a perfect baby these days too - she barely cries now, except when she is hungry/tired/sore! I don't think I could have been blessed with a better baby! She is such a guzzle guts at the moment, she's drunk all her bottles today, so approx 200-220ml - and so far today she's had three. I think yesterday she only had 4! Maybe she is having a growth spurt?

We went swimming today with Serena & Josh, and Gaby had a lot of fun! She has started splashing in the water now, which is very cute! I am excited about starting swimming lessons with her in about a months time. Serena & Josh are going with us, so we'll at least know someone else in the class, and it won't be as daunting! I think once she is 12-18 months I will also try and get her into one of the gymnastics classes they have for toddlers - it can only be a good thing for her!

the magic rolling baby

*claps*

My baby girl rolled over today for the first time! After waiting for weeks for her to roll back->tummy, today she totally out of the blue, rolled tummy->back!!!! I couldn't believe it when she did it, infact I didn't realise she'd rolled over for about 10 seconds after she'd done it! So I rolled her back to her tummy to see what she'd do - and what do you know? She rolled over, again - and again - and again - and again! Naturally once the video camera came out she ceased all activity. LOL

It made me realise she is growing up so quickly!!!! It was a major milestone the first time she touched a toy on her rocker - and now she's rolling, and trying to move around the floor. It's all happening too fast - I'm glad I have my camera, to take photos & savour every moment!

It was made especially clear to me today, how fast they grow - Mel gave birth to the beautiful LITTLE Ryan Patrick Thomas @ 7.18am today, so I went up and saw her around 9.45.... he was so little compared to Gaby, and it amazed me to think that Gaby had once been that little, that not so long ago she was the helpless little bub, cuddled up in Mum's arms, doing nothing but eating & sleeping & crying. Having trouble focusing on faces, and being overwhelmed by the big, new world..... And now.. now she's out there ready to take over the world! Only 20 weeks later!

I am so blissfully in love with Gaby right now, I can't imagine life getting ANY better....

so, so lost

Gaby is out with Aunty Terri & Uncle Gavin - has been for about 4 hours! I am soooooo lost! It's weird not having my little Gaby Guts here!!!!!!!!! It's eerily quiet! I miss her a lot

I hope she's back soon! How bad am I going to be when she starts going to stay with her Dad for the night?? Or anyone for that matter!

sleep? whats that?

Gaby has decided that it's just not cool to sleep at night!!!!!!! It's starting to get a bit old! That said, she is sleeping really well during the day, so I guess there is an upside to it all! We had Plunket today & Gaby now weighs 16lb13oz & is 66cm long! She has grown 4cm in 6 weeks!!!!! Her 5 month appointment was actually at 4 1/2 months, so when we go to get her 5 month injections at the doctor, I'll get her weighed again! She's growing tooooo fast!

sleep huh?

While Ms Gabalicious is still sleeping like a princess at night, during the day.... gosh, it takes her about an hour to get to sleep, and then she's usually awake within an hour!!!!!! I don't know whats gotten into her, because last week, I could put her to bed & she'd be asleep 1 minute later! That said though, she wasn't sleeping that fabulously at night... so I guess it's best if she doesn't sleep well during the day!

I'm hoping that the cooler winter nights are going to mean that she sleeps RIGHT through..

hehe, I can dream huh

growing too fast

My little precious is growing way too fast! The past couple of days, she has suddenly started looking less like a baby, and more like a child. Her facial expressions have changed, her 'voice' has changed... almost everything about my little McPrecious has changed! It is alarming! But also wonderful, being able to watch it happen right in front of me. I am really interested to find out how long she is now, I am sure she's grown a matter of cm's in the past few days!!!!!

It is spooky when I think back to how little she was when she was born (admittedly she wasn't tiny) - and how much she has grown in the space of 4 1/2 months!!!! I am sure that it isn't going to be long until the first little tooth pops through - she's been teething so badly the past couple of weeks, it really has to happen soon!!!!

I can't get over how much I love Gaby. I never imagined it'd be like this, never ever. Nothing else in the world really matters, as long as I have my little McPrecious with me. I can be as depressed as hell, and see that gorgeous little smile, and all of a sudden the sadness goes away. I can be angry and ready to kill someone (haha Stu!), but one glimpse of that cheeky smile, and my heart melts & I forget what I was angry about to begin with.

I don't even like to imagine what life would be like if I didn't have Gaby. Life would be meaningless.... it really would...

spoilt baby girl

I got my course related costs y/day, and as usual, didn't spend them on course related costs! LOL

Me & Gaby went shopping & I bought her about $200 worth of new clothes!!! I probably shouldn't have, but I just couldn't resist. It makes me feel better when I buy cute stuff for her! Maybe i'm trying to over-compensate for Stu as well, even though Gaby is wayyyyyy to young to realise that she has all these new clothes. top!

Aunty Terri also spoilt her after work, buying her a new pair of shoes, a belt & a new t-shirt that says "I love my Uncle"..

... which kind of brings me to my next point....

It's occurred to me over the past couple of days, that Gaby has more to do with her Uncle Gavin - than she has to do with her own father. I hate saying it, but Gaby is a LOT more comfortable around Gavin, than she is around Stu - and it hurts. When we were at the mall y/day, Gavin joined us, and he immediately got Gaby out of the pram & had a big cuddle. Gaby was totally laxed out on him - and she has NEVER done that with Stu.

I don't want the father figure in Gaby's life to be her UNCLE.... but it's looking more and more each day, that that is going to be the way it is. Stu isn't stepping up to the plate - he's not enquired after her since Sunday - that's 5 days today. Another 2 days & it'll be a week since he's seen her. I really thought that even if he didn't give a fuck about me, he would at least want to know how his DAUGHTER is doing. He acted like bloody father of the year on Sunday, when we were around his family, so I guess they think he's the perfect father now.

The perfect father my ass.
He has never changed a nappy.
He has bought about 4 tins of formula.
He has gotten up to her once during the night.
He has never spent a WHOLE day with her.

How am I meant to be Mummy & Daddy for her? How am I meant to give her the nice balanced life she deserves???

changing everyday

It really is amazing, I always heard people saying that baby's grow up so fast, that each day they are doing something new... I just thought that was Mama's exaggerating about how clever their baby's were....

but no!!! It REALLY is true!

If I look back over the last month, Gaby is developing new 'tricks' everyday, and starting to put them together. Yesterday I had her lying on her play gym that Nan & Poppa got her for Christmas, and I had here ladybug pram toy attatched to it - and rather than just hitting it like she would have done last week (even 2 days ago), she PULLED on it, so she could get it in her mouth!

I could just spend this whole time doating on my little girl! She sat up by herself last night - not for a long time, and she was still a bit wobbly - but she did it without anyone holding onto her! I was so proud of her, I almost cried! We are still waiting for the big moment when she roll's for the first time, but I know it'll happen soon.

A couple of weeks ago if I lay her on her belly, she would have looked around and such, but stayed still, NOW she swivels on her tummy, and is starting to get on her knees & putting her cute little bottom in the air, which I believe is something they need to master before they can start crawling.

Growing is another thing that seems to happen in the blink of an eye. One night I put Gaby to bed, wearing 000 clothes - the next morning she fit into 00 clothes! It happens so fast. She is getting very long, I have a feeling she might be quite tall when she grows up, taking after her Daddy. I really noticed the size change, when I looked at photos of her in her first big girl bath, and then photos of her in the bath a couple of nights ago - the comparison is just AMAZING

no contact for two days

Well, I think it's started. Stu's "I want to be a good Dad" attitude seems to be wavering. We saw him on Sunday morning for a couple of hours, because we had to go for lunch at his sisters, with his family. He said barely two words to me the whole time (and vice versa) - and I've not heard from him since!!! It's now Wednesday 8.31am - and I have decided FUCK HIM, I'm not going to be the one always making the effort, to get him to come and see Gaby. I'm going to leave it, and see just how long it takes him to arrange to come over.

I'm glad Gaby isn't old enough yet to realise that her Dad isn't seeing her a lot - BUT at the same point, I know she's at the age where she is going to form bonds with people, and if Stu doesn't start seeing her more often, she is going to have a closer bond with her Uncle Gavin, than with her own father! He complains that she looks at him like he's a 'freak', yet looks at me with 'love in her eyes' - gee, could that be because I spend all my time with her, whereas he can barely take an hour out of his week to see his daughter?

At least, I guess, Gaby is getting tonnes of extra love from her Nan, Poppa & Aunty Terri & Uncle Gavin... I read somewhere that the first 7 years of a childs life, set them up for the rest of their life. I think so far Gaby is gearing up for a good life. A baby has never been more loved or cherished.

Terri & Gavin are trying for a baby! I'm so excited, I can't wait for Gaby to have a little cousin to play with, and to have a special bond with! I hope it happens easily for them, because Terri has been through too much heartache in the past 4 years, plus, they are both going to be great parents! Terri was a fabulous Mama to Brodie, and Gavin is a great Dad to Tyler, so their bub is going to be very lucky.

It will be fun having another pregnancy to share!

I'm sorry Gaby

.. it's sad of me, but one of the things I'm most upset about (regarding my split from Stu), is the fact that I'm not going to be able to give Gaby a little brother or sister for a long time now. I can't imagine having grown up without my sister, and I LOVE that we are close in age (just under 3 years)..... But Gaby... she might not experience that bond now. What if I don't meet another man for a few years, Gaby could be 7, 8, 9 before she gets a little brother or sister? And by then it won't be 'the same'. They won't grow up together, they will be at different stages of their lives.

I am mourning the fact that Gaby doesn't have a little sister - Addison Ciara, to play with...
I am mourning the fact that Gaby doesn't have a little brother - Kayleb James, to play with....

How can I miss what I *never* had?

I feel like I've let Gaby down now...

4 months old

We made it.. Gaby turned 4 months old yesterday! .... hopefully now the fear of SIDS will start to subside somewhat, now that she has passed the date & age where Brodie passed away.

The early morning of the 26th was an utter bitch. Gaby was awake most of the night, and required TWO bottles (as opposed to the usual.. NONE!), one at 12.30 and one at 6.15. Once we were both up properly, neither of us here happy, and we were both tired. We both cried for an hour or so! She then went to sleep on me & totally melted my heart, and when she woke up, she was back to being the happy Gaby we all love & know.

4 months old. wow! time sure does fly fast! Thursday she'll be 18 weeks old, I can't believe it!

Needless to say, we didn't hear from Stu at all yesterday, not regarding Gaby anyway - so much for 'being a good dad'. I'ts upsetting me, because I don't want Gaby to grow up only seeing her Dad every second weekend, I want him to see her 3-4 times a week, so that she KNOWS her Daddy properly. He just doesn't have a CLUE about raising a baby, or what the 'right' things to do are. It really pisses me off that he acts as though buying 1 can of formula is a huge deal, and makes him Daddy of the year - yet he can afford to go to the wrestling, and to buy stupid crap to sell on trademe.

He's going to have a bloody hernia when I tell him he's going to be paying 50% of the price of Gaby's new carseat!

love & loss

I am relieved that the 22nd February has passed... with Gaby still very much alive.

I feel terrible writing that, but I was so shit scared that Gaby would die on the same day as her precious big cousin ~Brodie Scott~... I do not know how Terri copes with the 22nd.. or with the month of February full stop. She is so strong, for one so young - she's been through things that NO ONE should have to go through, yet she still finds it in her to laugh, to smile, to love. If I lost Gaby, I don't think I could cope! Most people seem to admire their older sibling - but me, I admire my younger sibling. While most people bitch about their brothers/sisters, and argue with them - I can't remember the last time we argued, or that I was angry with her.

So many things as a first time Mum you don't expect, such as the feeling that if your baby were to die - you would want to die to. I didn't expect to think about what could happen to her when we're in the car... walking along the street... while we're asleep.... There is a majority of motherhood that is just fantastic, love it, wouldn't replace it for anything - BUT then there is that little teeny part, that has you in a state of constant paranoia, worry, anxiety... Most of the time the fear isn't obvious, but sometimes I can feel it in the pit of my stomach.. in my heart.. in my blood...

A July 06 PlayRoom Mummy on JustMommies, lost her little girl this week. Although I never spoke to her, never knew of her, never knew about her precious Aleah's fight, I am still saddened by the news, and have shed tears for her & her family.

Hearing horrible news like that, really makes you look at your own life, and realise that you have to make the most of every single second you get with the ones you love. Gaby is turning 4 months old on Monday, and I am excited about the next month to come - she can only grow more beautiful, and I can only grow to love her even more! If that's possible!

should be "life as a first time single mum" I guess

Well the inevitable happened last night.. Stu broke up with me. I guess i knew it was going to happen - things haven't been great between us since we got back together, and the past couple of weeks he has been so distant... and cold toward me

BUT it still hurts. He gave me the old 'I want to be friends' line, and said that he wants to be a 'good Dad', so when he is here overnight from now on, he is going to be the one getting up to her, to give her her dummy, or to give her a bottle if she needs one. I've been too soft with him up until now, but if he wants to be a good Dad, there are certain responsibilities he is going to have to take on.

So I guess from here on in, it's going to be me & Gaby against the world. I obviously can't rely on Stu to be there when I really need him - so why start setting myself up to be let down?

....... my constant thought through this has been "at least I still have Gaby".. it's what's getting me through

I hate this time of the year

February 22nd will be the 3 year anniversary of my nephew's passing. I am scared shitless about Gaby turning 4 months old, because Brodie died on the day he turned 4 months. I don't think I'm going to feel okay until the 22nd & 26th have passed (26th being the day Gaby turns 4 months), and Gaby is still safely in my arms. Part of me wishes I could just disappear until the 27th, but obviously I can't do that.

I cannot imagine how horrible... awful.... un-liveable my life would be if I lost Gaby. I cannot imagine no longer having my precious girl in my life, and everyday I fear walking in to find her dead in her cot. I've not cried myself to sleep about it in weeks, but that doesn't mean the thought still isn't there.

I wasn't with my sister when she found Brodie, but she described the moment so well, that I can see it in my head, and it breaks my heart when I think about it.

99% of my brain says 'everything will be fine', but there is another part that says 'no it won't be'. I don't know what I'd do if I lost Gaby - she really is the most important thing in my life, and without her, it'd all be pretty boring & meaningless. I hate to say it, but I believe that if I lost Gaby - I would contemplate going to join her.

Maybe all mothers feel that way?

1 year

February 7th was 1 year since I found out that I was pregnant with Gaby. I am in disbelief at how different my life is now - and how much I have been through over the past year! This time last year, I was in the throes of morning sickness, and was still coming to terms with the fact I *really* was pregnant!!!!

... I've been pregnant, I've given birth, I've breastfed, I've changed nappies, I've cleaned up spew, I've made parenting style choices....... I've changed 100% from who I was a little over a year ago. The things that used to be wonderful to me, have been replaced by things that are even more wonderful. The little things that used to bother me no longer do.......... and I've become a lot less selfish, Gaby really is the basis of my life, everything I choose to do, revolves around her!

How does the reality of motherhood, compare to the fantasy of motherhood that I once had? It's even better! I always knew it would be hard, but it would be rewarding - I just didn't realise HOW rewarding it would be. I could never imagine the feeling I would get, when going to get Gaby from the cot in the morning, and seeing her grin because she's happy to see me. I could never imagine the feeling I would get, when Gaby was unsettled, and after passing her around, I would be the only one who could get her to finally settle. I never imagined how beautiful a sleeping baby would be - the pure innocence, the angelic look.

I knew that I would love Gaby (or any child I had) - but I didn't realise that that love would be overwhelming & all consuming. I didn't know that that love would give me the power to do anything - or that it would make me want to do ANYTHING to protect my baby girl. I didn't realise just how happy love could make me feel, or that it would make even the shittiest of days, amazing.

It is truly amazing, being able to watch Gaby develop day by day. Seeing her do things one day, that she couldn't do the day beforehand. I never realised how exciting it would be when Gaby would reach another developmental milestone, or how proud of her I would feel!!!!!!

I love being a Mummy, I love my precious Gaby - I am so glad that life has panned out the way that it has, and for the first time in my life, I can see that everything that has happened up until now, has happened for a reason - and had they not happened, Gaby would not have happened.

how quickly they learn!

Today Gaby was displaying all the signs of being tired, so into her cot I put her.

Of course once I had her in the cot, she started dispalying all the signs of being WIDE AWAKE. But being Mummy, I knew best, and left her. Every couple of minutes I'd go and check on her - and before I would leave the room I would say "now go to sleep".

How did Gaby react to this? Did she sleep? NO. She LAUGHED. She flat out laughed in my face.

It was very adorable I have to say! She sure knows how to weaken her Mummy. I did stay strong though, and didn't get her back up, and within a few minutes she was asleep.

The past few days, Gaby has also learnt that if I take my attention away from her for more than a second, if she squeals I will pay attention to her! So what was she doing this morning while I was in the toilet? Squealing! When I was making a coffee? Squealing! When I was putting her bottle in the microwave? Squealing!

At the moment it is very cute, but I am sure that in a few months, it won't be quite as cute.
Mummy wrapped around her little finger already? HELL YES!

and sometimes it's just damn hard

First of all, I want to say I LOVE being a Mummy, I wouldn't change anything in my life.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm all alone in this. Yes, Stu & I are together, but it's ME who does all the parenting. Me who gets up at 2 am to put her paci back in. Me who gets up at 5am when she decides she wants a bottle. Me who gets up to her in the morning. Me who gives her all her bottles. Me who changes all her nappies. Me who tries to get her to sleep each day. Me who tries to ease the pain of teething.

It's so frustrating, I love Gaby more than anything in the world, but I want a BREAK.... An hour here & there to go to the mall, to go for a walk, to go & get a coffee, to sleep, to read my book... but do I get it? No. Stu's excuse is that he isn't 'confident' enough with her. I can understand that, BUT the only way he can get more confidence, is to play more of a role in the parenting & day to day caring - but does he do that? NO.

I love Stu, but that doesn't make this any easier! Sometimes I want to shake him, until he realises, that he has to use his initiative. It drives me crazy when I have to ask him to pick Gaby up when she's crying, and when the crying gets too much for him, he'll just put her back in her rocker. I don't think he realises how much I have to do during the day, and just how time consuming it IS caring for a little one. The only time I really get to myself is when Gaby is asleep - and those hours are getting less & less as she gets older!!!!

Being a Mum, I can't exactly just 'give up', or 'leave'..... unlike him. I don't have the luxury of running away when I want to....

.... Not that I want to run away from Gaby... I love her way too much

1 year ago

It was the 25th January 2006, when my precious baby girl, became a reality...... Little did I know at the time, but Stu & I had just created the most special baby girl in the world.

A year.. how things have changed

For the first time ever, the '1 year anniversary' of a pregnancy, is a HAPPY, MOMENTOUS occasion.... not a sad one, like in the past....

This year, rather than grieve, I celebrate.

3 months into motherhood

Today my precious girl is 3 months old. I cannot even begin to count the number of ways that my life has changed, in that short space of time. For the first time in my life, I can truly say that there have been no negatives which have come from a life changing event... Everything Gaby has brought into my life has been positive. She has helped me to learn so much more about myself, about who I am, about what makes me tick.... She has helped me to become less selfish & pig headed, and she's taught me the importance of not sweating the small stuff.

Gaby had her 3 month injections yesterday, and afterward, I felt such a huge bond with Gaby - she was looking to me to make things better - I realised she understands that *I* am her Mummy, that *I* am the one person in the world who would do ANYTHING for her, anything in the whole wide world, even if it meant the loss of my own life. I was upset that Gaby was upset, but when I was the one who was able to stop her crying & relax her enough to fall asleep, I felt so empowered & like I'm obviously doing SOMETHING right. I had tears in my eyes for a lot of last night, simply because of the love I was feeling for Gaby at the time - it was very overpowering, and overwhelming.

Life before this.. it doesn't even seem to show up on the radar. There are a few events which happened before Gaby arrived, which changed my life forever.... but they don't seem as painful anymore, or as important.... All that matters to me, is that my baby girl is here, she is safe, healthy & happy - what more could I ask for?

crying and sleeping

Funny how two of the most common baby-things-to-do are intertwined... and how they both make you feel different ways. I will admit that when Gaby is crying... and crying... and crying, I do get a bit toward the end of my tether. It isn't so much anger, as just feeling frustration, because I don't know how to help Gaby - I don't know what's wrong with her.. tired? hungry? wet? sore tummy? teething?

At times it feels like all the rocking, swaying, "shhhhh"ing & bouncing up and down won't stop the crying - but then all of a sudden it stops. The eyes are closed... the breathing is deep & regular - and suddenly I'm holding an angelic looking baby in my arms.

It's that moment there - where the crying turns into a deep slumber, that I feel nothing but pure love for Gaby. The frustration is gone, and all I want to do is snuggle her all night long.

I always feel so stupid after she's had a big crying session, because it isn't really as big of a deal as it feels at the time, it's just her way of communicating with me.... and when I look at her sleeping peacefully, sometimes with a smile on her face, it all seems worth it....

My heart breaks when she cries, but once she's stopped & is sleeping peacefully, my heart grows 10 sizes....