why can't I cope sometimes?

why can’t I cope sometimes?Yesterday - Gaby crying resulted in me cuddling her, and kissing her, telling her it'd be okay, humming lullabies, rocking her to sleep.

Result - me feeling like a wonderful Mum

Today - Gaby results in me getting angry, in me saying things I don't mean, in me crying more than she does, in me wondering where the hell her father is so I don't have to do this alone.

Result - me feeling like the worse Mum in the world, and like I don't even deserve Gaby

Where is Stu for that matter? Why can't he be here when things are going bad, when I'm losing the plot & Gaby is losing the plot? A few minutes to take a break & regain my composure is all that I ask. He can't even do that though. I would be well & truly fucked if it wasn't for my parents and Terri.

It's just weird how on certain days I can cope, don't give it a second thought - but other days (admittedly rarely!) I can't cope, and I feel like I'm going to lose control. What makes the days so different? I'm happy today - yet i'm still not feeling very in control of things? I can be really angry with someone/something - but can cope easy.

Maybe because she's been so good lately, I am finding it a bit more testing now that she's having a 'bad' day. I know that it is the reflux that is making her grumpy - but i just don't know how to deal with it? Besides giving her her medicine, keeping her upright, burping her, there isn't anything else i can do to help the reflux! I can't NOT feed her, for obvious reasons... I do the usual checks, temperature, nappy, hungry.... but sometimes, nothing will work.

I would NEVER EVER EVER even contemplate hurting Gaby, if things were going to get that bad, i'd be checking myself into hospital! But sometimes when she's in bed, I will throw things around, or scream..... however after that I usually feel better, and generally have a cry & go in and say sorry to Gaby in her cot....

.... and then thankfully, usually after that we'll have another 3 weeks or so of Mummy coping well...

LOL maybe it'd be a bit easier if I smoked... hehe.. no, i'm never going back there again. Yick. That is all I can say. Yick