I hate this time of the year

February 22nd will be the 3 year anniversary of my nephew's passing. I am scared shitless about Gaby turning 4 months old, because Brodie died on the day he turned 4 months. I don't think I'm going to feel okay until the 22nd & 26th have passed (26th being the day Gaby turns 4 months), and Gaby is still safely in my arms. Part of me wishes I could just disappear until the 27th, but obviously I can't do that.

I cannot imagine how horrible... awful.... un-liveable my life would be if I lost Gaby. I cannot imagine no longer having my precious girl in my life, and everyday I fear walking in to find her dead in her cot. I've not cried myself to sleep about it in weeks, but that doesn't mean the thought still isn't there.

I wasn't with my sister when she found Brodie, but she described the moment so well, that I can see it in my head, and it breaks my heart when I think about it.

99% of my brain says 'everything will be fine', but there is another part that says 'no it won't be'. I don't know what I'd do if I lost Gaby - she really is the most important thing in my life, and without her, it'd all be pretty boring & meaningless. I hate to say it, but I believe that if I lost Gaby - I would contemplate going to join her.

Maybe all mothers feel that way?